Target Marketing -- Full Sterne Ahead

Sterne Measures
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Full Sterne Ahead

by Jim Sterne

February, 2001

Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web marketing consultant to business and industry.

For those of you who wrote, wondering if I was still
foisting Full Sterne Ahead upon unsuspecting readers,
the answer is, "Yes, and thanks for asking." My excuses?
Many, varied, and none of much interest to any aside from
my clients, my publisher and my family. As for the rest
of you - look out, here it comes again!

This month I send my alumni association back to school
in When Will They Ever Learn?, discover the meaning of
Flash in Resource of Note, sit in the audience for a
change in While I Was Out, advocate corporal punishment
for spammers in the Crystal Ball, receive the dumbest
spam of the century in My In-Box, contemplate ethics in
The Big Idea, point to some good shopping cart advice
in You Can Do It, lament a poorly managed newsletter in
Don't Try This at Home, revel in the power of the press
in Apology Of The Month, and wish you a jargon free
marketing lexicon in Silly Sighting of the Moment.

Oh - and in Shameless Plug, I offer you a chance to
learn why you shouldn't hire me as a consultant and
how to get free Web marketing advice from me instead...
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
--------------------------
One would expect the Alumni Association of the University
of California at Santa Barbara to be a touch more savvy
about the Internet than most. UCSB was, after all, one of
the first four nodes on the original Darpanet (five points
to those who can name the other three).

So I was somewhat annoyed to receive a spam from them that
began:

  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  > Subject: UCSB Alumni Association LACMA Event
  > From: "University of California at Santa Barbara
    Alumni Association"@silcom.com, info@ucsbalum.com
  > Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 07:12:58 -0800
  > Reply-To: "University of California at Santa Barbara
    Alumni Association"@silcom.com, info@ucsbalum.com
  > Sender: bounce@ucsbalum.com
  >
  > Dear James,
  >
  > As a member of the UCSB Alumni Association, you are
  > entitled to many wonderful benefits.

The rest went on for pages, but that was enough for me
to reply with:

   Including the benefit of not being Spammed?
   Remove me from your list at once.

Their reply? Well, "University of California at Santa Barbara
Alumni Association"@silcom.com was a mis-formed address and
bounced, of course, but so did the other one:

  > : host
  > inbound.ucsbalum.com.criticalpath.net[209.228.12.204]
  > said: 550 User unknown

It seems they manage to annoy me every time they contact
me. And they wonder why I am not willing to open my
wallet to show my support. I hereby sentence Jean King,
Membership Marketing and Family Vacation Center UCSB
Alumni Association (who signed this disaster) to two
semesters of Marketing 101.
------- -------
Brent Overman at POSDATA, Inc. sent me his latest
annoyance. It seems that imark@attendeereply.net had
sent Brent a message about what an important customer
he was:

  > Because we are concerned with your privacy issues
  > regarding e-mail marketing, it is important that we
  > receive your permission to send you e-mail transmissions
  > from our exhibitor and partner companies.

Translation: We're spamming you to get your permission
to spam you.

  > We will ensure that any information you receive via
  > e-mail will be reviewed so that it is relevant to
  > you as a technology market professional.

Translation: If you unsubscribe we won't be able to sell
your name to the next guy.

  > Please be assured that the e-mail communication you
  > receive will be coming from Imark Communications ITEC/
  > TechShowcase, and that at any time you will have the
  > option to unsubscribe.

As opposed to this message, which was shoved down your
throat will you or nill you.

  > Imark Communications will control the e-mail broadcasts
  > completely through its authorized and secure service
  > bureau, and at no time will your e-mail address be
  > released to any third party company.

Fingers crossed, breath held.

  > If you would like to receive relevant information
  > from our exhibitors and business partners, you do
  > not have to respond to this e-mail.
  >
  > However, if you would not like to receive these e-mail
  > messages,

Classic opt-out cop-out.

  > please go to [URL including an id code] to be instantly
  > removed from this e-mail list -OR- reply to this e-mail
  > with the word REMOVE in the subject line.

Says Brent, "When I clicked on the link to be removed, this
is the message I was given:"

  > Automated Mailing List Opt Out Form
  > The Email Address sferro@ccgroupnet.com
  > was found and removed from the mailing list.
  >
  > Thank you for your time.

End of story? Not quite says Brent, "The problem is -
that is not my email address!"

Ouch.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

RESOURCE OF NOTE
----------------
Every now and again you trip over a real life version of
onomatopoeia. In this case, it's a wonderful little
explanation of the difference between .gif and Flash, both
pictures and animations. It's rendered, of course, in both
.gif and Flash and well worth the ten minutes for us
marketing types: www.xplane.com/xplanations/flashgif
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHILE I WAS OUT
---------------
It's rare for me to go to a conference when I am not a
speaker. It's not just the fact that I dearly love the
sound of my own voice, it's that I go to so many and get
to hear such wonderful people in the course of my regular
speaking tours. But I went to the Palace of Fine Arts
in San Francisco to see Jakob Neilsen's World Tour and
was not disappointed.

If you haven't seen Jakob give a presentation - make a
point of it. If you're in a location where you can catch
the last of his World Tour, I recommend it highly. Jakob's
not just very informative and entertaining, he's right!

I'll be one of the many to point out that his own Web site
at www.useit.com is just a bit emaciated, but he
constantly hits the nail on the head when it comes to
simplicity of design and usability.

If it sounds like I am getting some commercial gain from
this plug, I'm not. You can find that here:
www.targeting.com/recommend.html
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE CRYSTAL BALL
----------------
  > From: team121@121agency.com
  > Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000 13:24:06
  > To: unsubscribe@targeting.com
  > Subject: 1 to 1 Marketing Resource
  >
  > If your company is interested in practical application
  > of one-to-one marketing, then look
  > to The 1:1 Agency -- located in the New York City area.
  >
  > www.121agency.com
  >
  > We specialize in customer relationship management,
  > e-mail
  > marketing and on-demand
  > video for companies willing to embrace the new
  > interactive
  > technology.
  >
  > SPECIAL OFFER:
  > For the month of December 2000, we will send your
  > personalized
  > e-mail from your customer
  > and prospect e-mail lists at the rate of $5 per thousand
  > for lists over 100,000
  > names (text based e-mail) from our dedicated e-mail
  > server.
  > Lists must have salutation, first
  > name last name, and e-mail address in a comma delimited
  > format.
  > Privacy guaranteed.

Looking into my cloudy crystal ball, I foresee a time
when companies like the one above will be keel-hauled for,
oh - take your pick:

a) Bad e-mail formatting. Haven't they heard of narrow
   columns?
b) Claiming to offer services they can't do for themselves.
   Who'd want to go to a dentist with bad teeth?
c) Spamming - of course.
d) Offering privacy as a cloaked way of saying they're
   spammer-friendly. "We won't tell anybody it was you -
   as long as your check clears..."
e) Ripping off a Peppers and Rogers (www.1to1.com) trade
   mark. Is there an attorney in the house?
f) Having the nerve to send a spam to my "unsubscribe"
   address. I wonder if "bonehead" translates into other
   languages?

Yes, keel-hauling is *definitely* too good for these
cretins.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MY IN-BOX
---------
Dumbest spam of the century (so far):

>  From: wow@silcom.com
>  To: <>
>  Subject: Have you ever been to Victoria, BC, Canada
>  Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001 22:02:23 -0800
>  X-Sender: wow
>
>  This page uses frames, but your browser doesn't
>  support them.

Yes - and there's an *excellent* reason for that.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE BIG IDEA
------------
While I was busy giving a lecture called, "How Much Do
You Need To Know?" at a DMA convention in Orlando, I
received a slightly disturbing e-mail from a fellow
Internet marketing author and speaker that made me
shake my head.

  > Subject: Shameless Log Rolling for [name withheld]'s
  > book
  >
  > Friends,
  >
  > I have a brazen favor to ask. The fully revised
  > version of my book, "[book title]" was recently
  > released. So far, both Amazon and BN.com feature
  > zero customer reviews. Anyone who feels in the
  > Xmas spirit of selfless giving, all I want from
  > Santa or anyone else this holiday is a rave review.
  > (No, I'm afraid I can't pop for a free book in return,
  > but I'll send you a Blue Mountain Arts thank-you card.)
  >
  > For those of you who did read the previous version,
  > this one is quite similar, only better and up-to-date.
  > For those of you that haven't had the pleasure yet
  > at all, take my word for it, it's really, really good.
  >
  > For any of you dubious about recommending a book you
  > haven't read, just consider the fact that this email
  > message itself is evidence of my powerful Internet
  > marketing savvy: the same strategy last time assured
  > me a 4.5 star rating on Amazon.

When Chris Locke does this sort of pandering in his snide,
in your face way, it's humorous. But this one strikes me
as just a touch sad.

What's the Big Idea?

The difference between marketing well and being
disingenuous is a matter of degree. Is it wrong to
post a review about your own book, pretending to
be somebody else? Certainly. Is it wrong to ask others
to write glowingly about a book they haven't read?

I'd say that integrity is more important that ever these
days. That may be why I did not reveal the name of the
above author. I don't intend this to be a finger-pointing
session. Besides, today's MailBits.com quote is: "A man
never discloses his own character so clearly as when he
describes another's." --Jean Paul Richter

I just wanted to acknowledge that there are lines we
shouldn't cross. In a land of grays and shadows, it
is incumbent upon us to find our own blacks and whites.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

YOU CAN DO IT
-------------
Do you sell things off your Web site? Then make your
shopping cart as easy to use as possible. Check out
these best practices for designing checkout interfaces:
www.dack.com/web/shopping_cart.html
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
----------------------
I received the December newsletter from Bartlett, Pringle
& Wolf, a local Santa Barbara accounting firm along with
the e-mail addresses of 199 others whose names start with
"j". They were kind enough to include them in the To: field.

The first headline read in bold?

    Who Needs an Audit?

Accountant, account for thyself! And now you know why
I count on www.sparklist.com to manage this stuff for
me. Those who have been subscribers for longer than
you care to admit will remember a few operator errors
in the past. Don't let it happen to you.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

APOLOGY OF THE MONTH
--------------------------
  > From: YorkJ@MWHSE.com
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  > Subject: Your Article in the 2-6-01 Edition of Business2.com

www.business2.com/content/magazine/ebusiness/2001/01/29/25402

  > Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 08:21:06 -0500
  >
  > Jim, I am CEO of MicroWarehouse, and last night saw
  > the article referenced above.  I want to make certain
  > that we have taken care of your needs, even though
  > it has clearly been very "messy" for you along the
  > way for you. Susan Fazelpoor, our head of Customer
  > Service will contact you promptly if you can quickly
  > email back your telephone number.  Secondly, it is
  > obvious we have some work to do, particularly regarding
  > the way we handle backorders.  I'm going to do a deep
  > dive on this so we can fix what appears from your
  > experience to be broken.  Thanks very much for bringing
  > this situation to our attention.  (The ultimate mad
  > customer doesn't let you know what is wrong, in hopes
  > that problems won't get fixed!)  Best regards, Jerry York

Jerry did indeed call me and was very pleasant and very
reassuring. He told me he considered himself the Chief
Customer Satisfaction Officer and that he had already
made some changes. Customers would be notified by phone.
Additional training would be rolled out.

Then Susan called and was very gracious. "We'll get to
the bottom of this," had a nice ring to it and, "We're
really sorry," sounded heart-felt. I guess writing
articles for magazines makes me something of a target
for apologies in the eyes of industry. An honest apology
is nice, but will Jerry's efforts have an impact on his
organization? Will my next order go flawlessly?
Time will tell.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SILLY SIGHTING OF THE MOMENT
-----------------------------
The Jargonator will help you understand why your press
releases and brochures are impenetrable:
www.jargonfreeweb.com
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SHAMELESS PLUG
---------------
Where in the world is Jim Sterne? What day is this?

After a long stretch at home in Santa Barbara, (Gee, I
like this place. When did all those restaurants change
their names?), and a week of vacation that included a
lot of sun, sand, and sea for my 20th wedding anniversary,
I am preparing for another round of frequent flier mile
collecting.

    Details on all of the following can be found at:
    www.targeting.com/upcoming.html

You may not be able to catch me at the Web Marketing
conference in Lisbon on March 6, or the BMC Technical
User Forum at the Schloss Greifensee just outside of Zurich
on March 8. But do try and attend March 15th in Los Angeles -
it promises to be special.

The previous day, March 14th, I'll be at Internet World
at the LA Convention Center giving a one-hour presentation
on Customer Service on the Internet. Then - on the 15th -
I'll be taking over one of the Forum rooms for the
whole day.

Web Marketing Mastery is a full day of more than just
education. Here's the short form, more details can be
found at: www.targeting.com/upcoming.html

10:00 - 11:00
The 17 Silver Bullets You Can Implement in Two Days
   Seventeen out-of-the-clouds, feet-on-the-ground,
   actionable tips for Web success.

11:15 - 12:30
The 15 Minute Web Site Assault
   Submit your site to WebReview@targeting.com by March 1st
   for the chance to have you site dissected, inspected,
   and corrected. Not for the queasy. Are you game?

1:00 - 2:00
Web Strategy Workshop
   Having helped some of the world's largest corporations,
   I'll give you reliable techniques for fashioning a
   winning e-business approach. This is where I convince
   you not to hire me. Weird, huh?

2:30 - 3:30
Five Years of Really Bad Web Sites -
And How to Avoid Being One
   I've collected wealth of what-not-to-do-on-the-Web
   examples since 1995. Everybody is up for ridicule
   and derision.

3:30 - ??:??
Answers to Your Hardest Web Marketing Questions
   This is intended to be the time when people can
   ask those questions that didn't get answered in the
   five days of a regular conference. In order to get
   the ball rolling, I'm going to ask you (yes - you!)
   to submit your thorniest issues by March 1st to:
   Questions@targeting.com.

   Not only will you be helping me, but the next issue
   of Full Sterne Ahead will make a stab at providing an
   answer.

Reasons not to hire you? Free advice? Jim - are you
feeling well?

It was a really *nice* vacation...

Target Marketing
211 E. Victoria St., Suite E
Santa Barbara, CA 93101
+1 (805) 965-3184 phone
+1 (805) 965-8687 fax

www.targeting.com