Target Marketing -- Full Sterne Ahead

Sterne Measures
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Full Sterne Ahead

by Jim Sterne

February, 2002

Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web marketing consultant to business and industry

Yes - another month missed, proving I have accurately
described this newsletter as "mostly monthly."

Why the delinquency, you ask? I have three reasons:

1. http://www.SterneForJudge.com
   No - not me - my wife!
   Those who have run for office will understand.
   Those who live in Santa Barbara County -- Vote March 5 !!!
   And Vote for Colleen!  (She's Sterne, but fair.)

2. Another book, which I'll tell you all about as we
   get closer to June when "Web Metrics" will hit the
   streets. If you can't wait, there's always:
   http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0471220728/targetmarketingA

3. I'm offering a set of workshops and have just finished
   sprucing up my Web site to let people know:
   http://www.targeting.com/workshops

Those are my excuses, now on with the show:

This issue, it's a bad month for companies known by three
initials in When Will They Ever Learn? I reacquaint you
with a man worth knowing in Resource of Note. I decide to
pass on a conference in While I Was Out, consider the
security of a single-id logon in The Crystal Ball, scratch
my head at a recent request and cheer the original spam-
fighter in My In-Box. The Big Idea and You Can Do It are
both reminders of the basics. Don't Try This At Home exposes
the poor performance of a well known software company and
the Apology of the Month shares the graceful recovery of
a well known hardware company. One of my Favorite Buttons
actually contains two buttons, Marketing Marvels contains
a certain-death offer, and the Silly Sighting of the Moment
is sure to shake you up. Lawyers catch up with the times
on Who'd Have Guessed?, Amazon and United Airlines are in
my sights in If They Can Put A Man On The Moon, a weird
book title makes for a Classic Comment, and the answers
to the last survey can be found in Shameless Plug.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
--------------------------
In the previous issue of FSA, I lamented the treatment I
received at the hands of AT&T:
     Have you ever been so annoyed by your phone company
     that you switched?
     You Will.

  At 12:48 PM 2/13/02, Candace Gilbert wrote:
  > How very true your words are. At this point I don't
  > care who gives me long distance service, as long as
  > it is ANYONE but AT&T.

Sometimes being right is depressing. I have a message for
the handful of FSA readers with att.com on the end of
your email addresses: Have you ever hired a consultant
to help you with customer service? You will.

Then there was this:

  At 10:46 AM 12/10/01, Mr. X wrote:
  >
  > Jim, if you use this, please don't attribute it to me,
  > I'm still dealing with IBM. Maybe blame Chris Locke,
  > he's clearly blown them off...
  >
  ---------- Forwarded message ----------
  Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001 13:34:54 -0500
  From: pwdadmin@us.ibm.com
  To: mr.x@incognito.com
  Subject: New homepage URL for PartnerWorld for Developers
  >
  > Dear member of PartnerWorld for Developers,
  >
  > We'd like to share with you a new URL that will now
  > be home for PartnerWorld for Developers.  Effective
  > today, http://ibm.com/partnerworld/developer/?dc=05402
  > will replace http://www.developer.ibm.com
  >
  > You requested improved continuity across the IBM Web
  > site and we're responding.
  >
  [snip]
  >
  > This new URL is just one of the ways we're making it
  > easier than ever to do business with IBM.  Stay tuned
  > for some exciting updates to the Web site in early 2002!

Just like that airlines are making it easier to fly
by inspecting our shoes.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

RESOURCE OF NOTE
----------------
I once recommended a Jakob Nielsen seminar. Since I make
a living by public speaking, I am very, *very* careful
about whom I recommend. Here comes another one.

If you are a Fortune 500 company and you need some help
with Web site strategy, I'll be happy to come to your
office and run a workshop: http://www.targeting.com m

If, however, you work for or own one of the millions
and millions of small businesses out there and are near
the West Coast, I can, without hesitation, recommend
Dr. Ralph F. Wilson's Doctor Ebiz Internet Marketing
Seminars:

  Feb 27, San Francisco Area (UC Berkley Extension, San Ramon)
  Mar 1, Los Angeles Area (Occidental College, Eagle Rock)

The good Doctor has never said a thing I disagree with. His
devotion to small business is demonstrated daily at
http://www.wilsonweb.com and I advise you to look into
seeing him in person http://www.wilsonweb.com/seminar
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHILE I WAS OUT
---------------
  From: "Rahyar"
  To:
  Subject: Iran's First Int'l Police and Security Equipment Exhibition
  >
  > To: Honorable Manager of
  >
  > Dear Sir,
  >
  > We are very pleased to inform you that The Cooperative
  > Foundation of Islamic Republic of Iran's Police in order
  > to promote capabilities of police force, intends to organize
  > an International Exhibition on Security and Police Equipment.
  > This Exhibition will be held on February 2002 in Tehran,
  > Int'l IRIB Conference Center.
  >
  > Please find the detailed information about Exhibition and
  > Forum at http://www.rahyar.com/ipas

I think I'm going to stay home for this one.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE CRYSTAL BALL
----------------
According to an article in Computerworld (yes, time to
cut and paste)...
http://www.computerworld.com/itresources/rcstory/0,4167,STO68519_KEY52,00.html

... there are those who would like one, single sign-on
and password that runs across everything, all the time.
Sort of like Microsoft's Passport, but for more than
e-commerce.

The Crystal Ball shows that many will make the effort
and many will fail. In the long run, all of the XML and
the Web services and the .Net-like structures will make
such an effort technically possible, but people won't
support it. They will be convinced that a single
sign-on is the golden key for identity theft.

I don't think they're wrong, I just wish they were.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MY IN-BOX
---------
I'd like to help, Jack. Really I would.
Maybe it's the opposite of night marketing?

  From: "=?EUC-KR?B?yLLA57HZ?="
  Organization: =?EUC-KR?B?vcW5rg==?=
  To:
  Subject: from korea ,
  X-Mailer: Daum Web Mailer 1.0
  Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 18:56:20 +0900 (KST)
  >
  > HI, from south korea
  > my name is jack
  > ...
  > what's day marketing ...
  > ====================================================
  > ПьИЎ РЮХЭГн, Daum http://www.daum.net
  > НЧНУАЃ УЄЦУ, Й"ЧбДы ЦФРЯРќМл! СіБн ЙыЧи КИММПф~ ХИЏ!

A short trip down History Lane:

A major tip of the hat to the original spam fighter
Major Raymond Czahor who took on Digital Equipment -
in 1978. http://www.templetons.com/brad/spamreact.html
And article on the origins of "spam" at
http://www.templetons.com/brad/spamterm.html
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE BIG IDEA
------------
This is a Big Idea that's so old, it's time to dust it
off and remind you to engage in this sort of activity:

   Give it Away

I was reminded of this not too long ago by Bruce Kasanoff
who posted a free e-Doc at http://www.makingitpersonal.net
called the "Secrets of Amazon.com." You say you're tired
of Amazon as the prime example? Sometimes there are good
reasons for stereotypes.

And, as long as freebies are a smart way of reminding
people who you are and what you know, I'm participating
in a bit of the same. I've submitted my two cents to
an ebook you can have, for free, published by
Audri & Jim Lanford .

   "43 Specific Ways to Make 2002
   Your Best, Most Profitable Year Ever"
   http://make2002great.com/a193.html

They're going to start charging $30 for this ebook,
but Act Now And Get Yours For Free!!

Yes, the Lanford's are marketeers. Watch for the extra
offers, the pop-up invitations and the come-on coming
right at you. But what the heck - free is still a
nice thing.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

YOU CAN DO IT
-------------
Janet Kalbhen was
kind enough to point me to those bubble-gum-packing
folks at Topps with an FAQ answer that says, "We're not
set up yet to handle customer email. We hope to be able
to respond to your emails in the near future.
http://www.topps.com/AboutTopps/faqs.html#q2

I wrote back to Janet:

  > We haven't figured out how to answer the phone yet -
  > But we're working on it. Do you push the flashing
  > button or the blinking button???

This morning, she replied:

  At 06:11 PM 2/25/02, Janet Kalbhen wrote:
  > Actually, funny you should say that. I tried their
  > 800 number, and ended up having to push all 4 options
  > several times. The first call I was disconnected after
  > pushing one of the options, and the second time I was
  > on hold for about 20 minutes, and then sent into
  > someone's voice mail. What a disaster.

Dang.

So here's a request and an imperative:

  Request: If you spot other companies that don't accept
           email (like the one's below), please send me a
           link at I'll publish it in the communication
           hall of shame.

http://www.southwest.com/about_swa/luvbook.html (bottom)
http://www.traderjoes.com/tj/signup
and http://www.lays.com (but their server is down at
the moment).

  Imperative: Answer your email!!
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
----------------------
  From: McAfee.com Clinic Support [ mailto:clinic_support@mcafee.com ]
  Sent: Wednesday, January 02, 2002 7:20 AM
  To: Phil Smith III
  Subject: RE: vso-#4300752262#-
  >
  > Dear Phil,
  >
  > Thank you for contacting McAfee.com Support Center.
  > My name is Neeraj S. My support identification number
  > is MIN1101. I would be happy to assist you
  > in answering your question(s) or resolving your
  > issue(s) you have addressed in your email dated
  > 28/12/01, regarding sulfnbk.exe hoax
  > psmith@sinenomine.net .
[snip]
  > Since sulfnbk.exe is an email attachment, I would
  > like to inform you that VirusScanOnline does not
  > scan email attachments.  It is an on - access scanner,
  > meaning scans the file when you open it.  In order
  > to scan an email attachment, I suggest you to save
  > the attachment on you hard disk, then open it.  If
  > the attachment is virus infected, VirusScanOnline
  > will immediately alert you and ask to clean or
  > delete the file.

This sounds a lot like:

   There are two fixes that are very simple.
   First, point the gun at your head and
   pull the trigger. If there is a live
   bullet in the gun, our technical support
   team will be notified and will come to
   your home to disarm the gun.

   The alternative is to hold the victim
   underwater for five minutes. If the
   victim drowns, she's not a witch.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

APOLOGY OF THE MONTH
--------------------
Unsolicited Pundit (tm), Glenn Fleishman
wrote to tell me that he, "received an offer that appeared
to be from HP but that had another domain on the reply
address and in the URL. I expected it was sophisticated
spam sent on behalf of a company that sold HP equipment,
so I reported it to HP, assuming it wasn't their baby."

Turned out, it was:

------ Forwarded Message
  > From: "CHISHOLM,ROBERT (HP-SanDiego,ex1)"
  > Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2002 10:06:00 -0800
  > To: "'glenn@glennf.com'"
  > Subject: unsolicited email you received
  >
  > Dear Mr. Fleishman,
  >
  > I received your complaint concerning the unsolicited
  > email you received. This message was in fact sent
  > to you from HP, and after saying that, would like
  > to apologize for any inconvenience we have caused you.
  > HP does not get into the business of sending any
  > unsolicited email to any customers. We do respect
  > all privacy rights and issues concerning this matter
  > and appreciate the time you took to send your email
  > to us.
  >
  > HP understood from the company we purchased the
  > email list from that all names had opted-in to
  > receiving information about particular products and
  > or promotions. It appears that the lists that some
  > of these sites have are outdated or incomplete.
  > Your name will immediately be taken off this list
  > and you will not receive any more "unsolicited"
  > email form HP.
  >
  > Again, I apologize for this inconvenience.
  >
  > Robert Chisholm
  > HP Consumer Business Organization
  >
  > ***********************************************
  > ***********************************************
  > robert chisholm cbo na consumer marketing p 858.655.8223 f
  > 858.655.7600 robert_chisholm@hp.com

Glenn's reaction:

  > Imagine my surprise. They bought a list from what is
  > obviously a disreputable firm. How the mighty have
  > fallen. Still, what a great reply from someone with
  > actual authority!
  >
  > Part of the problem here is that it's possible I did
  > opt in for this particular list, but I have no idea.
  > I don't recall and there was no information in the
  > email that was sent to jog my memory as to why I
  > would want product sales emails.

Lesson 1: Remind us about how you got our names.
Lesson 2: Make sure you know how your list-mongers
          go about collecting email addresses.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

ONE OF MY FAVORITE BUTTONS
--------------------------
Thanks to Karen Childress of www.ihavegoals.com for this one:
http://www.vectorlounge.com/04_amsterdam/jam/wireframe.html

And thanks to Paul Groh of, well, of Paul Groh for this:
http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index

Yeah, you may have to cut and paste again. Haven't
these people heard of http://www.shorturl.com ?
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MARKETING MARVELS
-----------------
Marketing Program:
   1. Spam prospects
   2. Insult prospects
   3. Tell prospects they are not on a list
   4. Tell prospects how to get off the list they are not on

  Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002 23:58:09 -0800 (PST)
  From: hung nguyen
  Subject: Marketing needed
  To: jsterne@targeting.com
  >
  > Hi
  > I incidently came across your info/resume on the Net.
  > I email you since you state that you have marketing
  > background.
  > I have a security product for home and business to
  > sell. If you have connections that you can build a
  > small team, you will be qualified to be an agent.
  > The problem is that I am in Garden Grove, California.
  > If you are here, you don't need a team. I can train
  > you.
[snip]
  > I notice that your website is not pretty yet.
  > You can re-design it with us. We offer a low cost
  > solution:
  > http://www.ewebs.tv/prices.htm
  > This is not a spamming email, you are not on any list.
  > However, you can reply to this email with the
  > "Remove" word in the subject line, I won't email you
  > from now on for the future marketing project.
  > Sincerely,
  > Hung

Not yet, but I'd be willing to help tie the rope.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SILLY SIGHTING OF THE MOMENT
----------------------------
Thanks again to Adam Gaffin and his
"Vitally Important Information"
for pointing me to this mover and shaker:
http://www.lebonze.co.uk/stuff/move.htm
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?
-------------------
A new client (multi-national, household name) asked me
to sign their consulting agreement before tearing their
Web site to shreds in a typical Jim Sterne Web Site Review
http://www.targeting.com/SiteReview.html

In reviewing their contract, I tripped over this nugget:

   Provider represents and warrants that to a reasonable
   certainty no virus, turn-off device, invisible hypertext
   markup language hot link, Java applet Trojan horse,
   encryption code, lock-out device or similar program,
   macro or script, is included within the Work Product.

Rather than be offended that I am suspected of being morally
capable of such nefarious undertakings, I was merely saddened
that such language is deemed necessary these days.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

IF THEY CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON
---------------------------------
I filled out a Web form asking Amazon for the whereabouts
of a book I had ordered:

  > 02/11/02 15:20:07
  > NAME: Jim Sterne
  > ORDER NUMBER: 103-5876469-5316617
  > COMMENTS: Usually ships in 8 - 10 days.
  > It's been over a month.
  >
  > Any clues?

The response came back:

  > Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 05:28:11 -0800
  > From: cust.service02@amazon.com
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  > Subject: Your Amazon.com Order (#103-5876469-5316617)
  >
  > Dear Any,
  > Thank you for writing to us at Amazon.com.

The programmers have taken over the asylum.
---------
At the bottom of an email forwarded to me by Stephan
Spencer , United Airlines
shows their flair for making things more convenient
for their customers:

  > To UNSUBSCRIBE FROM E-FARES
  > Go to
  > united.com
  > Click on Update profile under Planning travel.
  > Login with your Mileage Plus number and password.
  > On the Update Profile page select E-mail information.
  > Uncheck the option(s) that correspond to the e-mail(s)
  > you no longer wish to receive. Finally, click the
  > Submit button at the bottom of the page. Requests to
  > unsubscribe to United notifications may take up to
  > one week to process.

And don't get Gabe Goldberg started
about his several-months-long effort to:

  > Add my new address to some mailing lists
  > Delete my old address from some mailing lists
  > Delete my wife's address from some mailing lists

What was their response to his ump-teenth attempt to
make these corrections?

  > Dear Valued Customer,
  > Thank you for your email. In order to serve you
  > best, we are forwarding your correspondence to
  > the appropriate department. We appreciate your
  > patience.
  > Sincerely,
  > Chris
  > United Web Support

It makes his blood boil.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

CLASSIC COMMENT
---------------
   "Stupid White Men ...and Other Sorry Excuses
    for the State of the Nation!"

It may sound like a classic comment, but it's actually
the title of a book that is ranked #1 at Amazon.

The reviews of this book on Amazon are either love
or hate, with one "Interesting Occasionally." I'll
accept that and simply wonder about how Amazon
determines their rankings.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SHAMELESS PLUG
--------------
You can find me online on Wednesday giving a Webinar on
behalf of self-help and email support tools company Banter
http://www.banter.com

On Thursday, April 4, I'll be making another appearance
at MIT's Sloan School in Cambridge to talk about "E-Loyalty,
Keeping Customers Happy & Knowing How Happy They Are."
http://mitsloan.mit.edu

I'll reveal the "Seven Silver Bullets of Online Customer
Service Success in a full day seminar on Sunday, April 14
at the Help Desk Institute Conference & Expo in Orlando:
http://www.thinkhdi.com/hdi2002/session.asp?c=5&action=11

Then, on Tuesday, April 16, I'll present, "Just How
Wonderful Is the Web?" in a one hour keynote at the
same venue.

Do *not* forget to mark your calendar for June 24-28
for the E-Metrics Summit in Santa Barbara. It's a go after
the polling last time revealed some bad news:

  We're cutting back our travel budget in 2002   58%
  We're allowing more travel in 2002             42%

And some good news:

  We're more interested in measuring Web success than ever  76%
  My company doesn't understand the need to measure         24%

With the interest in return on Web investment heating up,
the E-Metrics Summit is sure to attract a very interesting
crowd.

Target Marketing
211 E. Victoria St., Suite E
Santa Barbara, CA 93101
+1 (805) 965-3184 phone
+1 (805) 965-8687 fax

www.targeting.com

targeting.co