Full Sterne Ahead
by Jim Sterne
March, 2001
Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web marketing consultant to business and industry.
This month e-mail boneheadedness makes another appearance
in When Will They Ever Learn?, a guy named Dave is the
Resource of Note, I encounter a Poltergeist in While I
Was Out, I see a strong economy in the Crystal Ball, more
people who shouldn't be allowed near a keyboard fill My
In-Box, you're encouraged to protect your reputation in
The Big Idea, a plea to stop the autoresponder madness
is made in You Can Do It, Amazon loses a few more Internet
social skills in Don't Try This at Home, an airline (!)
gets first prize for the Apology Of The Month, RageBoy
shows up in the Silly Sighting of the Moment, and the
reason to respond quickly to your e-mail is summarized
in a Classic Comment.
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WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
--------------------------
> Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 18:16:32 -0000
> From: MediaMap
> Subject: 2001 Editorial Calendar Story Opportunities
> To:
>
> MediaMap has reached an important milestone in
> our editorial calendar tracking and analysis and
> thought you would be interested in our research
> findings. > microsoft-com:office:office" />
I replied:
> And what made you think that spamming me with
> bad technology was the right way to let me know?
Haven't heard back from them...
-----------------
Also -
On Mon, 26 Feb 2001, Phil Smith III wrote:
> So I send a crank note to Cox because a note I sent
> myself from home took
> *13 hours* to get here. And the note bounces because
> of a Host Not Found at their end.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> > ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
> >
> > (reason: 550 Host unknown)
At 08:09 AM 2/26/01, Gabe Goldberg wrote:
> Maybe Cox should get an AOL account for customer support...
Sometimes I actually *do* laugh out loud.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
RESOURCE OF NOTE
----------------
Short news blurbs with a sly wink. Oh, the news is real,
but the perspective is ever so slightly tongue in cheek.
That makes Davenetics a great daily read: www.davenetics.com
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
WHILE I WAS OUT
---------------
Back before Hector was a pup, I sold software to the
government. I will count myself blessed if I never have
to negotiate another GSA contract and would prefer death
by streaming banner ads rather than live through another
government contracts audit.
During that time, I took a tour of a special room at the
Army's Fort Monmouth - a lead-lined room that was under
construction. More than lead, actually. The walls, floor,
and ceiling had a layer of lead, another of copper, an
odd array of wires acting as an electronic screen around
the whole mess, and at least four other materials they
wouldn't discuss and several devices that they had draped
with sheets before they allowed me in.
The point was to prevent any form of van Eck phreaking -
the reading of stray electrons from across the room,
or across town, although they didn't call it that back
then.
Fifteen years later, I found myself in the Zurich home
of fellow company board member. While awaiting dinner,
I was captivated by his two and a half year old son,
navigating the living room floor with his remote-controlled
Donald-Duck-in-an-airplane-on-wheels. After a cozy meal
our host wanted to show off his latest home improvement.
He pressed a button on the wall that lit up with a
gentle glow, opened his laptop on the couch and
explained that he had just booted the server in the
basement. The wireless server. The multi-megabit
wireless server. I was about to ask how easy it might
be to engage in a little van Eck phreaking when I was
interrupted by Donald Duck.
We could clearly see the controller, untouched, on the
floor by the TV. But here was Donald, turning lazy loops
in his bright blue and yellow airplane in the middle
of the living room. We stared.
Our hostess laughed, "Oh, it always does that when the
server is booting and the wireless system is acquiring
clients."
Someday, "all modern conveniences" may include lead
lined walls. In the meantime, please do as they ask
and discontinue use of your laptop and all other
electronic devices during take off and landing.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
THE CRYSTAL BALL
----------------
Enough worry-warts have asked me what I think of the
future of online marketing in the face of dot coms
going bust and the stock market tanking. I figured
it was time to get the following it off my chest:
The reason so many Internet companies are going out of
business at the same time is that so many of them
*started* business at the same time.
When the Internet rush started and the venture capitalists
were throwing money at anything with an "@" or a ".com"
in its business plan, thousands of companies were formed.
Not all of them can be expected to be successful.
While the money was flowing, companies earning a living
selling advertising (portals, magazines, radio stations)
were raking in that money, or trading inflated
advertising space for inflated stocks and options.
As soon as the start-ups started stopping, the money
wasn't there anymore. Companies like Disney, Bertelsmann,
and Doubleclick aren't earning as much as projected.
So they have to lay off people.
The value of Internet advertising has not gone away,
just the amount of money being spent on it at the moment
has slowed.
Is there no pure-play, dot com business model that makes
sense? Not when it is founded on numbers that were unreal
to begin with. Is this the end of Internet marketing as
we know it?
The Crystal Ball says the Internet is a great tool for
lowering the cost and increasing the speed of communication.
How can that be bad? There are still plenty of companies
selling tulips at a profit.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
MY IN-BOX
---------
E-mails we never finished reading:
> Date: Thu, 22 Feb 01 10:54:39 EST
> To: earnings@thegrid.net
> Subject: Change your means
> Reply-To: cinderelly29@hotmail.com
> Comments: Authenticated sender is
>
> Dear Millionair,
Then there was:
> From: "AbbayNet"
> To:
> Subject: Pardon My Interuption
> Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 20:48:57
> Hell, I hope this email does not offend you in
> any way,
> but I am writing to ell you about our new
> we
> site
Please, God, let there be a special place in Hell for
these people.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
THE BIG IDEA
------------
I was one of several authors who got an e-mail from
Internet scribe Ellen Reid Smith. She was upset.
> Dear fellow authors,
>
> I was disgusted by a review posted to my book's page
> last night on Amazon.com. But my disgust turned to
> anger when I realized a group of eMarketers/authors
> whom I respect, all received the EXACT same review.
>
> You can read the review in duplicate at:
>
>
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/cm/member-reviews/-/AYGR1Q7GNEXES/104-9548536-4832735
>
> I've contacted Amazon and asked that they delete
> the review from all of our book pages. Sending
> your own note to book-depart@amazon.com might speed
> up the process.
I wrote back:
> Interesting Ellen. But I have a dilemma - just
> because somebody has but one opinion, lacks
> creativity, and knows how to cut and paste - does
> that negate their right to express themselves?
What's the big idea? Reputation Management. Your PR
department may be scouring the newsgroups and the
chat room archives to clean comments about you and
your products. But are they tuned into BizRate.com?
Epinions.com? and the many other places people are
rating you?
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
YOU CAN DO IT
-------------
I frankly forget why I wrote to Mercata Customer Service,
but I got a typical autoresponse:
> Dear Jim,
>
> Thanks for writing to Mercata. This is an automatically
> generated reply just to let you know that we received
> your e-mail message. We appreciate the opportunity to
> address your question or concern.
[stuff about their wonderful customer service snipped]
> Thanks again for writing. We'll be sending you a personal
> reply shortly.
I wrote back and asked what they meant by "shortly".
> Dear Jim,
>
> Thanks for writing to Mercata. This is an automatically
> generated reply just to let you know that we received
> your e-mail message. We appreciate the opportunity to
And then I got a reply that said:
> Thank you for contacting Mercata.
>
> Upon sending this message to customer service, you
> should have received an automatically generated message
> indicating that it may take up to 24 hours to get a
> response.
I wrote back
> I did, indeed. Thanks. And since I write and give
> seminars about online customer service, is there
> somebody there I can talk to about how you go about
> it? Tools, reporting, staffing... that sort of thing?
They said:
> Dear Jim,
>
> Thanks for writing to Mercata. This is an automatically
> generated reply just to let you know that we received
> your e-mail message. We appreciate the opportunity to
I wrote back:
> Houston, we have an infinite loop problem...
They said:
> Dear Jim,
>
> Thanks for writing to Mercata. This is an automatically
> generated reply just to let you know that we received
Then they said:
> Hi Jim,
>
> I'm glad to hear the system is functioning as it
> should. In response to the problem Houston is
> having (ha ha), each time you respond to Customer
> Service via email, you will receive that message.
> It may appear that you're caught in an endless loop,
> but it is really just recognizing that you've sent
> another message that we'll answer within 24 hours.
I retorted:
> And it really shouldn't do that.
> Looks like it's time to invest in
> an e-mail management system that
> recognizes the difference between
> a first time contact and a follow-up...
They said:
> Dear Jim,
>
> Thanks for writing to Mercata. This is an automatically
> generated reply just to let you know that we received
Then they said:
> I have directed your inquiry about online customer
> service and your contact information to our VP of
> Customer Relationship Management.
I replied:
> Thanks Wendy!
They said:
> Dear Jim,
>
> Thanks for writing to Mercata. This is an automatically
> generated reply just to let you know that we received
So what is it that You Can Do? Think like a customer.
Simple to say. Hard to do. Seldom accomplished.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
----------------------
I've always been a strong advocate of opt-in and I
won't stop. But I find myself slowing down a bit
when I received a note from Amazon.
> Date: 6 Mar 2001 19:23:16 -0800
> To: jsterne@targeting.com
> From: "Amazon.com"
> Subject: Introducing Amazon.com Delivers Science Fiction & Fantasy
>
> Dear Amazon Customer,
>
> As someone who's purchased science fiction and
> fantasy books in the past, you might be interested
> in our e-mail newsletter Amazon.com Delivers Science
> Fiction & Fantasy.
[persuasion content snipped]
> Look for your Science Fiction & Fantasy newsletter
> in your inbox every few weeks. We hope you'll like
> this regular e-mail, but if not, just click the
> Subscriptions Update link below to unsubscribe. Or
> tailor Delivers to your tastes and select from over
> 150 categories in books, music, movies, and more.
>
> Happy reading!
>
> The Amazon.com Delivers Team
You see - I *like* science fiction. I know that Amazon
knows that. I was pleased about this new service. Does
that make it spam?
Yes.
What?! Spam from Amazon?
Yes.
Bottom line: it makes no difference how much you *think*
your customers might like it. It doesn't even matter
if, in fact, they *do* like it. Unsolicited commercial
e-mail is spam and it's a marketing no-no.
Amazon is starting to wander off the Internet-friendly
path. I invite you who are Amazon affiliates to see
what Amazon is serving up when you direct others to
buy a book there.
They seem to be doing their best to thwart your best
efforts to make a sale by not showing the page the
book is on. Instead, they show a page with that book,
a link to that book's page, and a whole bunch of
other books the surfer might like as well (instead?).
I'd never have known if my quarterly commission from
Amazon hadn't been one-fifth the size. They never
bothered to tell me. Harrumph.
Seems Amazon and WalMart are closer together in customer
care philosophy than we thought.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
APOLOGY OF THE MONTH
--------------------------
> From: Kelly Mumford
> To: jsterne@targeting.com
> Subject: Re: It takes a lot to annoy me
> Dear Mr. Sterne,
>
> Thank you for your e mail regarding your experience
> onboard SkyWest/United Express flight 5263. Needless
> to say, I was very disappointed to learn about the
> poor manner in which you were treated by our flight
> attendant.
>
> Flight crew bags are not to be stowed under our
> customer's seats in the aircraft. That is your space.
> Additionally, there is never an excuse for rudeness
> or unprofessional behavior and it simply is not
> tolerated in our company. Your e mail was forwarded
> to our Director of In-Flight Services for her review
> and internal follow up to ensure that this instance
> is not repeated.
>
> Mr. Sterne, your business is most important to us
> and we appreciate your time in bringing this to our
> attention. Please accept my personal apology and
> allow us an opportunity in the near future to
> regain your respect.
>
> Sincerely,
> Kelly Mumford
> Director of Customer Relations
> SkyWest Airlines
> 444 South River Road
> St. George, UT 84790
I wrote back:
> Thanks, Kelly.
>
> Here I was expecting extra frequent-flier miles,
> or a discount coupon for a future flight... but
> I got something more valuable: a personal apology.
> Surprising what a well-written apology does to
> soothe one.
>
> Thank you.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
SILLY SIGHTING OF THE MOMENT
-----------------------------
Christopher Locke, aka RageBoy came up with an interesting
business model for making money online: Ask for it. In an
edition of Entropy Gradient Reversal, Chris wrote:
> Valued Readers:
>
> It's sad but true. We've finally had to resort to
> putting advertising on the EGR website. We held off
> as long as we could, but damn, like most dot.com's
> these days, we're f***ing dying over here!
My asterisks, not his.
> To see the tacky ad banner we have been driven --
> by our increased burn rate and nonexistent ROI --
> to accept, see the top of our home page:
>
> http://www.rageboy.com
Those who have cookies turned off or never had an Amazon
account will not see their name on Chris's banner.
I got an instant e-mail reply after my small donation to
the cause:
> You foolish hoser! If you give away money like that,
> your children will starve and all you have worked
> so hard to achieve will be blown away like a tiny
> pile of sawdust - or possibly cornstarch -in the
> terrible hurricane of history. Scary to contemplate,
> isn't it? Get a grip on yourself
So? Is this a successful business model? He says he's
raked in about $500 so far.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
CLASSIC COMMENT
---------------
This came in from my niece's boyfriend:
> From: "Michael Weaver"
> To: "'Jim Sterne'"
> Subject: MP3 Player
> Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001 07:46:12 -0800
> I contacted Rio asking where I could buy more flash
> memory cards for the player. Here is the response
> I got:
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Thank you for your message to SONICblue customer support.
> >
> > We have received your message which has been queued for
> > manual processing. Messages are processed in the order
> > they are received and should be answered within 2 to 3
> > business days.
> >
> > Regards,
> > SONICblue Customer Support
> > Formerly S3/Diamond Multimedia
> >
> > TRACKING NUMBER: A00000092372-00000381715
> ----------------------------------------------------------
Michael's classic comment?
> 2 to 3 days! I could be dead by then!
Enough said.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
SHAMELESS PLUG
---------------
Where in the world is Jim Sterne?
What day is it?
On March 14th, I'll be at Internet World at the LA
Convention Center giving a one-hour presentation
on Customer Service on the Internet.
Then - on the 15th - I'll be taking over one of the
Forum rooms for the whole day.
Web Marketing Mastery is a full day of more than just
education. Here's the short form; more details can be
found at: http://www.targeting.com/upcoming.html
10:00 - 11:00
The 17 Silver Bullets You Can Implement in Two Days
Seventeen out-of-the-clouds, feet-on-the-ground,
actionable tips for Web success.
11:15 - 12:30
The 15 Minute Web Site Assault
Those who were brave will have their Web sites
dissected, inspected, and corrected - in public.
Not for the queasy.
Announcing: Special Guest Web Site Ravager! Why
should I have all the fun? Not announced anywhere
else - - - the inestimable, intrepid, indomitable
Mark Gibbs, that master of the bon-mot, will join
me on stage to attack the technical while I malign
the marketing of the poor souls who offered up
their Web sites for sacrifice.
1:00 - 2:00
Web Strategy Workshop
Having helped some of the world's largest
corporations, I'll give you reliable techniques
for fashioning a winning e-business approach.
This is where I convince you not to hire me.
Weird, huh?
2:30 - 3:30
Five Years of Really Bad Web Sites -
And How to Avoid Having One
I've collected wealth of what-not-to-do-on-the-Web
examples since 1995. Everybody is up for ridicule
and derision.
3:30 - ??:??
Answers to Your Hardest Web Marketing Questions
This is intended to be the time when people can
ask those questions that didn't get answered in the
five days of a regular conference.
On March 20, I'll be giving an online seminar on e-mail
marketing to the good people at Agilent.
April 5 & 6 are set aside for a two-day seminar/workshop
for Siemens in Munich. For more information/registration
please contact Ruediger.Weskamm@hbg5.siemens.de
From April 6 through the 13th the Nielsen Norman Group
will be teaching their usability wizardry in Seattle,
Los Angeles and Woodbridge, NJ. I've seen the Main Event
with Jakob Nielsen, Brenda Laurel, Bruce Tognazzini and
Donald Norman and I say this is worth your time
http://www.targeting.com/recommend.html
For a further look ahead, there's always:
http://www.targeting.com/upcoming.html
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How about you?
I'm interested in what is on *your* mind. What issues are
you facing these days? Drop me a line.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
This newsletter is going to be better if it reaches more
people. You can help. The Net is a powerful word-of-mouth
mechanism, so if you know somebody who might like to be on
the receiving end, please point them to www.targeting.com
or have them send a message to subscribe@targeting.com.
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------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of
Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web marketing consultant
to business and industry.---
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