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Full Sterne Ahead

by Jim Sterne

March, 2002

Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web businessss consultant to business and industry.

Advertisement
-------------
What? Has Jim Sterne sold out?

That's right, after 33 editions of FSA (since October,
1998), I decided to cash in on the good will I've
generated. But I went with a no-cash deal.
Yep, it's my own ad:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
                 E-METRICS SUMMIT, Santa Barbara, June 25-26
Senior executives and eCommerce managers explore ways to
measure Web effectiveness. Vital presentations will set the
stage, participants will set the agenda. Not a trade show -
but a forum for discovery.
                        How do you measure Web site success?
http://www.targetingemetrics.com/fsa
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And please forward the news to the right people - they really
need to spend some time in Santa Barbara.

This issue I begin with a Dilbert Moment from his birth-
place in When Will They Ever Learn?, point out a CRM
site in Resource of Note, revel in being unwired in
While I Was Out, find an encouraging word in the Crystal
Ball, reveal a couple of incredible offers in My In-Box,
advise companies to stop shooting themselves in the
cash register in The Big Idea, recommend cleaning up
your database in You Can Do It, muse about crossed
wires in Don't Try This At Home, tip my hat to keh.com
in Apology of the Month, indulge in some self-diagnosis
in One of my Favorite Buttons, am reminded that Spam
is Bad in Marketing Marvels, waste another ten minutes
in Silly Sighting of the Moment, knit by my brow at
Amazon in If They Can Put A Man On The Moon, have
bigidea.com nominated for the hall of shame in Classic
Comment, and shamelessly plug myself in Shameless Plug -
what did you expect?
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
--------------------------
Dan Tuchler was kind enough to
pass along this absolute gem.

  > I just had a "Dilbert Moment" with, well the company
  > that inspired Dilbert in the first place - PacBell.
  >
  > Trying to sign up for DSL, I selected the basic
  > residential package. They politely asked me if I'd
  > like to check a box (I didn't).
  >
  > You can see for yourself the politeness in the
  > "before" and "after"  messages.

Before:

   | CPNI (Customer Proprietary Network Information)
   | Disclosure: During this session, we would like to
   | use your service and usage records to offer you
   | products provided by the SBC family of companies.
   | Your decision on whether to allow us to use these
   | records will not affect the service you receive
   | from the SBC family of companies.
   |
   | May we have your approval? Please click inside
   | this box to indicate your approval.

After:

   |
   | * Federal Law requires that we have this permission
   |   before you can place your DSL Internet request
   |   online. To proceed with your DSL Internet Service
   |   request, please check the box and click continue.
   |   To return to our products and services catalog,
   |   click cancel.

But that's not the end of the story. Dan wrote back.

  > Epilogue on my PacBell experience:
  > the site crashed 3 times, in 3 different ways,
  > while I tried to sign up. I did awful things like
  > clicking where it said "click here for info on
  > promotions".
  >
  > I sent an e-mail to their "customer feedback" link
  > asking them to sign me up while they fixed their
  > site - let's see what happens.

Let us know Dan. We're all ears.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

RESOURCE OF NOTE
----------------
Being interested in Web marketing and Web metrics, I
keep an eye on CRM as well. Fortunately, I get to stick
to my knitting and let others, like Bob Thompson at
CRM Guru http://www.crmguru.com keep tabs of that
market segment.

With "100,000+ Active Members," CRM Guru's doing pretty
well. Discussion groups, regional reports, a technology
solution center, free webcasts, and a CRM events center
complement a growing archive of articles (including a
couple by yours truly).

They do a good job as far as communities go, and then
they add a noteworthy resource - the Guru panel:

   The CRM Gurus are consultants specializing in
   specific areas of customer relationship management (CRM).
   They're available to help you answer questions that
   aren't covered elsewhere on the CRMGuru.com web site.
   Scroll down to enter your question and direct it to a
   specific Guru, but please first read their specialty
   areas closely. A question posed to the right guru is
   much more likely to result in a valuable response.

Over a dozen specialists on call. Nifty. Oh, and the
CRM.Insight Newsletter ain't bad either.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHILE I WAS OUT
---------------
My brother Doug was kind enough to whisk me off on a
birthday trip to Yosemite. First, we enjoyed the luxury
of the Awahnee Hotel - a national landmark, a stunning
location, a view that is second to none, and a great
dinning hall.

But then he afforded me an even higher luxury - we
moved to the Wawonna Hotel which, besides the golf
course at our feet and the deer grazing on the lawn
just outside, has no telephones in the rooms. No phones,
no Internet. No Internet, no email. Ahhhhhhhh...
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE CRYSTAL BALL
----------------
The mists are clearing in my Crystal Ball. The message
is slightly hazy but promising: The Economy is Improving.

That was brought home to me this week when I compared
two messages from the Web manager of a large technical
manufacturing company.

The first one came when I first tried to produce the
E-Metrics Summit in November:

  > The tough thing though about seminars or management
  > sessions right now is that business is extremely weak.
  > Personally, I am on a solid freeze on any kind of
  > travel or spending that does not directly generate
  > revenue. I expect that a lot of people that you
  > would be shooting for are probably in the same boat.
  > It is certainly the hot topic in these days of
  > web naysayers.

Last week, the same guy wrote again:

  > Things are getting back to normal. Count me in.

Sweet.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MY IN-BOX
---------
First, an offer I couldn't refuse:

  > From: jason thackrey
  > To:
  > Subject: Instant Internet Empire
  >
  > Its official, the Internet is currently creating
  > more millionaires than any other industry in history.
  > A vastly growing international marketplace, with
  > seemingly no boundaries, the income potential is
  > AMAZING.
  >
  > Are you taking advantage?
  >
  > We can help you get 5 money making websites up and
  > running with a HALF HOUR, and show you exactly how
  > to produce traffic and process sales.. no expertise
  > required!
  >
  > The best part: Success is GUARANTEED. If you're not
  > making at least $500 pure profit in your first month,
  > or if you're not satisfied for any reason, we will
  > refund every penny of your purchase price... there
  > is no risk involved, you cant lose!

Wonderful! Success is GUARANTEED! I can't lose!
Then came this:

  > From:
  > To:
  > Subject: Men Will Look At Your New Cleavage..

Somehow, I managed to refrain from both those offers.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE BIG IDEA
------------
  From: "John M. Powles"
  To: 'Full Sterne Ahead'
  Subject: FW: Quickenstore.ca Order Form Problems
  >
  > Having tried to order a Quicken product on their
  > website, I ran into a rather simple but important
  > problem (probably wiping out at least a few potential
  > sales...). I sent the following message to their
  > customer feedback address:
  >
  >   > Your (on-line) order form is not accepting full
  >   > credit card expiry dates (i.e. it will only
  >   > accept "02/0" - no combination of month/year
  >   > leaving out the "0" was accepted, either) which
  >   > means that the order will not be accepted. I
  >   > phoned in my order and reported this problem,
  >   > but, just in case...
  >
  > To which I received the following response...
  >
  >   > Thank you for your e-mail. You should be aware,
  >   > however, that Intuit does not currently provide
  >   > e-mail responses to customer enquiries. You will
  >   > not receive a reply to your message.
  >   >
  >   > The following links are provided to help you with
  >   > questions you may have.

What's the big idea? Don't stand in the way of people
trying to give you money. It's not good for business.
Oh - and in case you haven't heard me lament the
lameness at Southwest Airlines: Answer Your Email!!
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

YOU CAN DO IT
-------------
I received two interesting messages aimed at cleaning
up internal databases. In spite of the draconian warning
that: "Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or
distribution of this email message or its attachments
is prohibited," I decided to reproduce it anyway.
Call me a daredevil.

   From: Jason Pfannenstiel
   To: Jason Pfannenstiel
   Subject: Database Maintenance
   Date: Fri, 1 Mar 2002 13:45:52 -0800
  >
  > Good afternoon---
  >
  > In an attempt to bring our database up to speed, I
  > am asking you for the following:
  >
  > 1. mailing address so you may receive our 2001
  >    Annual report
  >
  > 2. preferred phone number/email address
  >
  > Note: If you are no longer interested in receiving
  > news about Keynote Systems, please specify.
  >
  > Warm regards,
  > Jason

Straight forward, honest, and no fluff. Well done.
And *yes,* I had originally opted in.

I'm sorry I deleted the other message before realizing
it was even more thought provoking. Sad to say, I can't
even recall which firm sent it. But I remember it because
the gist was abundantly forthright.

It said that I had opted in to their list - that was
true. It then said that if I did *not* reply to their
message, I would be deleted from their database. It
was a single-drop-out. If I didn't confirm my interest -
poof! I'd be history.

One side of me says this is a brilliant way to hone
your internal list down to just the core players. The
other side of me says this is a wholesale dumping
of people who aren't 100% on board, but might be.
I can see the value for a postal mail list. But an
email list?

What do you think?
      You Can Do It.
         But would you?
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
----------------------
The folks at eShare have a couple of crossed wires in
their NetAgent v.3,00,75. At least that's the way it
seemed when I used Logitech's Web-based Electronic
Technical Support.

I sent two messages and got two responses within two days
as promised. The first started:

  > Thank you for using Logitech's Electronic Technical
  > Support. My name is Jeremy.

Jeremy suggested I try uninstalling their software, and
messing about with MSCONFIG. His response included my
original question:

   How do I make the volume control buttons
   alter the volume faster?

My next question was:

   My laptop does not boot (hangs at the Window/Sky screen)
   when the receiver is plugged into the USB port.

The reply, which quoted that question at the end, said...

  > Thank you for using Logitech's Electronic Technical
  > Support. My name is Tom.
[snip]
  > I don't believe there are any adjustments to be
  > made for the "speed" of the volume response, However,
  > I have found I get a better response if the speaker
  > volume on the speakers themselves is turned up about
  > halfway. Hope this helps!

I felt like I was in one of those Shakespeare plays with
identical twins switching places. Ooops.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

APOLOGY OF THE MONTH
--------------------
Roger C. Parker was annoyed by a pop-up
while shopping at KEH.com. He wrote to them:

  > I liked your recent redesign, and like the ability to
  > compare new and used prices at one point.
  >
  > But, this morning, a pop-up screen took me away from
  > your site to a credit report offer from Equifax that
  > I couldn't escape from. I had to close the browser
  > and start all over.

"Steve Merrick" wrote back

  > I would suspect that the Equifax pop-up window was
  > initiated by another site prior to visiting KEH and
  > for whatever reason did not load or was lurking in
  > the background and when you clicked on KEH the Equifax
  > pop-up finally loaded.
  >
  > Anyway KEH does not allow other sites to populate its
  > site with pop-ups. What I have found useful is a
  > freeware program called PopUp Killer. Which you can
  > download from the Internet. The software allows you
  > to click on a pop-up window and kill it from ever
  > popping up again. Hope this helps and thank you for
  > shopping KEH.com.

As Roger put it, "Some people *do* get it." And that's
something, coming from Roger. He offers straight-up advice
for the small business Web site on everything from site
design to search engines to customer psychology.

He was also the one to point out to me that the Icelandic
Airlines named their listserve and corporate spokesman,
"Lucky." Said Roger:

  > At 35,000 feet above the North Atlantic, do you want
  > to - really want to - depend on Luck to keep you aloft?
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

ONE OF MY FAVORITE BUTTONS
--------------------------
The inimitable Mark Gibbs send me a link
to what he referred to as a human meme scanner:

   http://totl.net/VirusScanner/

Said Mark: Way cool!
Says Jim: Brand managers, take note!
------ ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MARKETING MARVELS
-----------------
I don't make this stuff up - I couldn't.

   From: lorie pooley
   To:
   Subject: Last Days : 200 million E-Mails=Massive Profit!!!
   Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 00:10:56 -0600
  >
  > Hello : Get 200 Million Fresh E-Mails To Make Your
  > Sales Skyrocket! Goto:
  > http://216.156.64.2/leo/marketforce.htm
  > Thank You!
  > NEVER SEND SPAM. IT IS BAD.
  >
  > Do You Yahoo!?

I certainly did when I read *that*.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SILLY SIGHTING OF THE MOMENT
----------------------------
Roaches versus Vacuum Cleaners
http://www.artificial-life.com/demos/roach/game/default.asp
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

IF THEY CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON
---------------------------------
It was odd having my "Web Metrics" book for sale on Amazon
before it was even finished:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0471220728/targetmarketingA

But it got odder. Ages ago, while ego-surfing there, I
came across a Spanish version of one of my books. My
shelf is filled with translations into Japanese, Korean,
Portuguese, Finish, Italian, and Chinese, but I didn't
remember a Spanish version. They had none in stock, but
I could pre-order it, and they'd look for it. So I
ordered one.

After six months, Amazon wrote:

  > Dear Jim Sterne,
  > We're writing to let you know that, as of today, we
  > have yet to locate a match for the following item
  > from your Amazon Marketplace pre-order: La Publicidad
  > en Web--[Paperback] Sterne, Jim
  >
  > If you'd like to extend the expiration date for this
  > pre-order, or modify it any way, simply follow the
  > link below or go to the "used item pre-orders" section
  > of the Your Account link at the top of every Amazon.com
  > page.

They display a book cover, an ASIN number, the whole
nine yards.

I replied, asking if they could verify that this book
actually exists. They responded:

   Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 09:50:17 -0800
   From: Amazon.com
   To: jsterne@targeting.com
   Reply-To: auto-response@amazon.com
   Subject: Your Amazon.com Inquiry
  >
  > Thank you for writing to Amazon.com regarding your
  > recent purchase on our site. Please note that the
  > address you responded to is not a valid e-mail address,
  > but we do want you to find answers to any questions you
  > may have.

...followed by several links to customer service sections
of their site. Do you suppose they're in league with
Quickenstore.ca and Southwest Airlines?
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

CLASSIC COMMENT
---------------
  > Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2002 20:29:27 -0800 (PST)
  > From: susan mckeen
  > Subject: nominee for communication hall of shame
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  >
  > Dear Jim -
  > Was invited via the website to contact company with
  > questions about their product. Response to email was:
  > thanks for your interest, can't respond personally to
  > you at this time. Considering that this company has
  > their VeggieTales product in every Chik-fil-A and
  > Wal-Mart and Target, you'd think they'd care enough to
  > respond!!! I'm a big consumer of their videos, books,
  > stuffed toys, CDs, etc. Guess I don't rate a response.
  > What's the big idea? (pun intended) I nominate:
  > www.bigidea.com for hall of shame.
  >
  > Susan McKeen
  > Atlanta, GA

Classic, Susan. Thanks.
Here's the letter Susan referred to (and my comments):

  > Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2002 22:38:22 -0600 (CST)
  > To: "Susan McKeen"
  > From: cs1@bigidea.com
  > Subject: Customer NONService
  >
  > Hello,
  >
  > Bob, Larry, and the whole Big Idea bunch want to
  > thank you for sending your e-mail! Your message is
  > very important to us. Please remember, even though
  > we may not be able to reply to your e-mail, we do
  > read every letter and carefully consider all feedback.

Translation: We very carefully decided to not respond
to *you*, in particular.

  > Remember that God made you special

He just didn't make you quite special enough
for us to waste our time on a reply.

  > and He loves you very much!

Even if we don't.

  > Sincerely,
  > Your friends at
  > Big Idea Productions
  >
  > **********************
  > (This is an automated reply to let you know we have
  > received your e-mail. Please do not reply to this
  > message)

Don't call us - we won't call you.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SHAMELESS PLUG
--------------
Where in the world is Jim Sterne?
What day is it?

After finishing up another lecture at MIT's, Sloan School
in Cambridge, I'm headed back home for a few days before
resuming my role as a human ping-pong ball.

Catch me on Sunday, April 14 at the Help Desk Institute
Conference & Expo. I'll be spending the day discussing
the Seven Silver Bullets of Online Customer Service Success
http://www.thinkhdi.com/hdi2002/session.asp?c=5&action=11

On Tuesday, April 16 in the same venue, I'll spend an
hour pondering  "Just How Wonderful Is the Web?" in front
of an audience interested in measuring the value of their
online customer service efforts.

Then it's back to California for another rousing round of
the Web Marketing Mastery Forum on Thursday, April 25.

I'll be at Internet World in Los Angeles covering:

   The 17 Silver Bullets You Can Implement in Two Days
   The 15 Minute Web Site Assault
   Web Strategy Workshop
   Five Years of Really Bad Web Sites
      - And How to Avoid Having One
   Answers to Your Hardest Web Marketing Questions

If you're planning on going, be sure to take advantage
of The 15 Minute Web Site Assault - send me your URL
and if you're in the audience, I'll be only to happy to
humiliate you in public.

The next day, Friday, April 26, I'll be giving the
hour long classic, Eight Ways to a Great Customer
Service Web Site.
http://www.iw.com/events/spring2002/forums/fri_sessions.php

On Tuesday, May 14, I'll be at an eBusiness Association
meeting in Rochester NY to spend an hour talking about
Taking The Measure of Your Web Site.

Next up is a two day course at the University of Oxford
(yes, *that* Oxford) on Tuesday & Wednesday, May 21 & 22,
entitled, "Online Marketing of Seminars, Courses &
Conferences."

On Tuesday, June 4 I'll be presenting a half day session
called Customer Relationship Management as a Company-Wide
Strategy at Internet World in Berlin
http://www.internetworld-messe.de

Thursday, June 20 finds me back in Los Angeles for @D:TECH,
where I'll talk for an hour about Understanding & Measuring
the Consumer Experience Online
http://www.ad-tech.com/live/90/events/90LAX02

And *finally,* the Really Big Shoe:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
                 E-METRICS SUMMIT, Santa Barbara, June 25-26
Senior executives and eCommerce managers explore ways to
measure Web effectiveness. Vital presentations will set the
stage - participants will set the agenda. Not a trade show -
a forum for discovery. How do you measure Web site success?

http://www.targetingemetrics.com/fsa
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

But you knew that already...

For a further look ahead, there's always:
http://www.targeting.com/upcoming.html

Target Marketing
211 E. Victoria St., Suite E
Santa Barbara, CA 93101
+1 (805) 965-3184 phone
+1 (805) 965-8687 fax

www.targeting.com