Target Marketing -- Full Sterne Ahead

Sterne Measures
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Full Sterne Ahead

by Jim Sterne

May, 2001

Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web marketing consultant to business and industry.

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This month I question spamming by respectable companies in
When Will They Ever Learn?, improve my vocabulary in
Resource of Note, talk to a man who was blown out of the
sky in While I Was Out, predict the present in the
Crystal Ball, am accused of a dastardly deed in My In-Box,
praise good old common sense and frugality in The Big Idea,
consider the best modes of content delivery in You Can
Do It, rail against over-design in Don't Try This at Home,
meet an evolutionary throwback in Apology Of The Month,
have my e-mail read to me in Silly Sighting of the Moment,
discover the goddess of the marketplace in Who'd Have Guessed?,
and find a typically Gibbsian signature and the ultimate
disclaimer in Classic Comment. Whew.
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News Flash - - - The FSA Archives are now online:
    http://www.targeting.com/fullsterne.html
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WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
--------------------------
At 01:17 PM 3/19/01, iGO wrote:
  > As a valuable customer, we are seeking your permission
  > and the privilege to serve you as efficiently as
  > possible via e-mail.

To which I replied:

  > And what made you think that spam was the best way
  > to ask me if I wanted to receive unsolicited,
  > commercial e-mail??

To which they replied:

  > Thank you for e-mailing us here at iGo.com!
  >
  > Due to unusually high e-mail volume the response
  > to your question may be delayed by up to 72 hours.
  > For more immediate response, please contact us by
  > phone at 800.228.8374.  Thank you for your patience!

We're now at something like twelve hundred hours and
counting...
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RESOURCE OF NOTE
----------------
A tip of the hat to the denizens of the Netscribes list (and
you know who you are) for pointing the way to The Jargon
Dictionary at http://info.astrian.net/jargon/ and especially
for the advice to look up teergrube.

You may find this site useful when the IS/IT department
attempts to drown you in obfuscation.
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WHILE I WAS OUT
---------------
Daniel Rix of the London Speakers Bureau and I were
joined at lunch in Covent Garden by John Peters, the
RAF pilot who was shot down over Iraq in the Gulf War.
He now runs a consulting firm that specializes in the,
"Provision of a comprehensive package of investigation,
analysis and practical application of leadership,
communication and teambuilding skills backed up by
recognised achievement and inspirational real-life
experience." www.uphltd.com

Hard to come by a real-life experience that's more
inspirational. In fact, two other people I spoke to
during my brief London stay had heard John speak and
both said he was an astonishing speaker!
http://www.interphiz.com/jpeters.html
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THE CRYSTAL BALL
----------------
For years I've been poking fun at marketing types not
understanding just how hard it might be to have your
message delivered at breakfast via Internet enabled
toasters which would burn your logo/slogan onto the
morning's meal.

Seems reality caught up with me yet again:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1264000/1264205.stm
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MY IN-BOX
---------
First there's this gem (reproduced in its entirety):

  > Delivered-To: jsterne@silcom.com
  > Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 19:46:47 -0500
  > From: nobody in particular
  >
  > Subject: hmmm..
  >
  > hello?

Enough said.

What really got my attention was this blow to my
sensibilities:

From: "Mitchell Hellman"
To:
Subject: Unsolicited commercial e-mail
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001 13:03:46 -0500

  > Mr. Sterne:
  >
  > It has come to my attention that your organization has
  > provided one of our e-mail addresses to one or more of
  > your customers and claimed that you had secured our
  > permission to receive e-mail solicitations. The e-mail
  > address in question, , is used by the
  > Domain Name Services department of Cable & Wireless
  > USA; we provide web hosting and DNS services for
  > several thousand domains. Apparently you (or the party
  > from whom you obtained it) have obtained this address
  > by viewing the 'whois' data at Network Solutions for
  > one of the domains we serve, as this address is NEVER
  > voluntarily entered in mailing lists or used for any
  > purpose other than communication with our customers
  > and employees.
  >
  > Be advised that we do not appreciate unsolicited
  > commercial e-mail of any kind, and especially do not
  > appreciate it when our customers are similarly spammed.
  > You are requested to remove our e-mail address from any
  > and all mailing lists that you maintain, and should not
  > sell, rent, trade or otherwise provide this address to
  > any other party. Any permission that you may have
  > obtained regarding the above e-mail address, whether
  > express or implied, is hereby revoked. Any additional
  > solicitations that are traceable to your organization
  > will be turned over to our Legal Department for further
  > action.
  >
  > Mitchell Hellman - Manager, DNS and Postmaster Groups
  > Cable & Wireless USA

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but call me a
spammer and you will feel my wrath.

  > Mr. Hellman:
  >
  > I am going to assume that yours was a legitimate request,
  > and not another ploy to verify purchased e-mail addresses
  > in order to sell them at higher prices. This is not a safe
  > assumption these days, but I'm willing to take such a risk
  > in light of the harm that may befall me should I ignore
  > this attempted besmirchment of my good name.
  >
  > Your message, while giving the appearance of having been
  > drafted by a committee of lawyers, provides insufficient
  > information regarding the means with which you "traced" this
  > indiscretion to me. I am, as a result, unable to determine
  > how such a scandalous defamation might have been perpetrated
  > upon me, nor may I properly determine just how incensed to be
  > at such a scurrilous accusation.
  >
  > Should you be willing to be a bit more forthcoming, then I
  > shall not have to seek the advice of council about this slander.
  > Trust me, in my chosen profession, the mere accusation of being
  > a spam-monger has the potential of serious damage to my reputation
  > and income.
  >
  > Therefore, I eagerly await further communication in order
  > to help identify and restrain the miscreants that would
  > cause me such personal harm.
  >
  > Sincerely,
  > Jim Sterne
  > Target Marketing of Santa Barbara

At 01:07 PM 2/23/01, Mitchell Hellman wrote:
  > Mr. Sterne:
  >   >
  >   > When I'm wrong I admit it. Apparently, I was
  >   > spammed by Target Promotions & Marketing rather
  >   > than Target Marketing.

To which I replied:

  > Ah-ha! (Not to mention - Whew!)
  >
  >   > I assume that the two organizations
  >   > are unrelated.
  >
  > Correctomundo.
  >
  >   > I apologize for the confusion. Be advised that
  >   > I have not discussed this matter with any other
  >   > party, so you have no reason to fear that I have
  >   > defamed you to anyone in any way.
  >
  > No harm, no foul, no batters left on base.
  >
  >   > I received the spam from Target Promotions &
  >   > Marketing on behalf of Pioneer-Standard Electronics,
  >   > Inc. When I contacted Pioneer-Standard about it
  >   > (something I only bother to do when the solicitation
  >   > appears to be made by someone who looks legitimate
  >   > but clueless),
  >
  > (Me too - hence my overly verbose response to you.)
  >
  >   > they indicated that they had
  >   > been told by Target that the lists were clean.
  >
  > But they *told* me the gun wasn't loaded !!
  >
  >   > I recalled your organization's name from reading
  >   > "Clickz" and sent you my message as a result.
  >
  > Got it.
  >
  >   > This case of mistaken identity may prove relevant to
  >   > you, as it is quite likely that I am not the only
  >   > party who may be confusing your organization with
  >   > another. Below is the Whois info from Target
  >   > Promotions & Marketing; you may wish to approach
  >   > them regarding their practices and how it potentially
  >   > may impact your reputation.
  >
  > Should another voice, crying in the wilderness at the
  > indiscretions of others, point a blaming finger my way,
  > I will rally and have at.
  >
  >   > Again, my apologies.
  >
  > Delighted.
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THE BIG IDEA
------------
Kristin Zhivago, my favorite CMO-For-hire says of the
following: "Refreshing approach, I must admit."

  > Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2001 17:45:32 -0500
  > From: marc@quickbrowse.com
  > To: kristin@zhivago.com
  > Subject: Thank God for no funding...
  >
  > Hi Kristin -
  >
  > Just a quick update on Quickbrowse.com, the service
  > that combines your favorite sites into a single page
  > for faster viewing:
  >
  > 1. We now show off 1001 (!) user testimonials on
  > our site - each one a user's answer to the question:
  > "What do you use Quickbrowse for?" The many different
  > applications users have found for Quickbrowse are
  > quite amazing.
  >
  > 2. We have just added the 101st (!) news story about
  > Quickbrowse to our press archive page. That might
  > make us sound bigger than we are. So we thought
  > we'd let you know the following:
  >
  > -NO, we're not a big Internet company with a huge
  > PR budget (actually we could never really afford
  > spending a dime on PR).
  >
  > -YES, we're only three guys working out of a small
  > one-room office, two blocks off the beach in Miami
  > (drop by if you come to visit)
  >
  > -NO, we never had fancy office space or the in-house
  > masseuse or in-house chef (not because we're so darn
  > smart or frugal but because we weren't given that
  > much investment money in the first place).
  >
  > -YES, maybe that's why we're still around.
  >
  > In other words, one could say we still exist because
  > we didn't get the funding we were hoping for. So
  > going on a spending binge never became an option
  > (I'm sure we would have done it, just like many
  > others dotcoms). Talk about dumb luck. Necessity
  > forced us to keep coming up with ways to keep cost
  > low. For instance, our system administrator, Robert,
  > telecommutes to Miami Beach every day (through the
  > Internet) from chilly Bratislava, Slovakia. We "met"
  > him in a chat room for programmers. For the longest
  > time, we didn't even know what he looked like. But
  > that's another story...
  >
  > For the testimonials and news stories, please go to:
  >
  > Testimonials: www.quickbrowse.com/testimonials/
  > Press: www.quickbrowse.com/press/
  >
  > Our, sometimes quirky, story is at:
  > www.quickbrowse.com/story/
  >
  > Please contact me if you have any questions.
  >
  > Cheers from Miami Beach,
  >
  > Marc
  >
  > ++
  > Marc Fest
  > Founder, Quickbrowse.com
  > marc@quickbrowse.com
  > ++
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YOU CAN DO IT
-------------
Phil Dourado is Director of Web Content & ICOBFAOIC
(In charge of buying Friday afternoon office ice-creams)
at eCustomerSeriveWorld.com. In one of his newsletters,
Phil offered a white paper I wanted to read and I was
required to send an e-mail asking for the paper.

When he sent it to me, I asked him why he put members
through the extra step. Why not just have a link in
the e-mail pointing to the download - or even to the
HTML page?

Phil:
1) SHORT ANSWER: I hadn't written the paper yet.

Jim:
That's a perfectly acceptable and realistic
answer and I intend to steal it and use it frequently.

Phil:
2) LONGER ANSWER: I'm gambling that there's something
more 'bonding' and 'gratifying' in an exchange that goes
"I thought you might like this: interested?"
"Yes please, I'd like one"
"Here it is: hope it's useful"
"Thank you"...

In the customer's mind, it becomes more of a tangible
'freebie'/'packaged piece of value' sent personally.
Part of the sense of 'value' comes in knowing someone
took the time to send it personally.

Jim:
Yes, I've experienced this after speaking at
Internet World. In one case I tell people they can
download the handouts from my site and I give them
the URL. In the other case, I tell them to send an
e-mail. When they do, I e-mail them the URL.

In the latter situation, the number of resulting
downloads is higher. Lesson? People like to communicate.

Phil:
So, it gives people a sense of "I asked for something
and it was sent to me" (an interaction that forms more
of a 'relationship' in the customer's mind than 'click
on this link', I think.)

Jim:
I think I agree. It would be interesting to try
it different ways just to measure the reaction.
My example above is based completely on the
the memory of an impression I might have had.
Not what you'd call statistically significant.

Phil:
Our proposition to Associate Members is that they're a
privileged club that gets material before it goes up on
the webite, so they're ahead of the game/inside track/
get to see stuff before everyone else.

Jim:
Well done.

Phil:
Final benefit: when people ask for a report like this
at least a couple of them add to the note a personal
message like: "Love the email/website" and then give
details of what they like, which I add to the list of
"Why you should advertise in our email/on our website:
because we've got raving fans. Don't take my word for
it: here's what they say" that I'm compiling - 3rd
party/customer accreditation and all that.

Jim:
Cha-ching!
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DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
----------------------
All I can say about the Coach Store's e-mail is that
they should ask people if they wish to receive HTML mail.
I have mine set to ASCII only, so the new Coach offers,
in total, arrive looking like this:

  > Date: Tue, 1 May 2001 15:35:31 -0700 (PDT)
  > From: "Coach.com"
  > To: JSTERNE@targeting.com
  > Subject: Mother's Day Shopping Made Easy
  >
  > If you wish to unsubscribe, click below:
  > http://coach1.m0.net/m/u/cch/c.asp?e=JSTERNE%40targeting.com

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APOLOGY OF THE MONTH
--------------------------
At 11:55 AM 10/25/00 , The Industry Standard wrote:
  > Hello,
  >
  > Thank you for your email. Please disregard the prompt
  > for a username.  The prompt to create a username was
  > for subscribers who did not already have one.  If you
  > had one and tried to put it in as a new one, you may
  > have received a "That Username is Already in Use"
  > message. If you already had a username, then you can
  > disregard the prompts to create a new username/password.
  > I have informed the webmaster of confusion on that issue
  > and it should be corrected shortly.  I apologize for any
  > confusion. Your magazine will process without the username.
  >
  > Chad
  > TheStandard.com
  > Customer Service

To which I replied:

  > Damn good answer Chad. And, as the author of a book
  > about online customer service, that's a professional
  > opinion:
  >
  > 1. Thanks.
  > 2. I understand your problem.
  > 3. You don't need to worry.
  > 4. We'll fix it.
  > 5. We're sorry.
  > 6. Everything will be OK
  >
  > Bravo!
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SILLY SIGHTING OF THE MOMENT
-----------------------------
Haven't you always wanted your own cartoon face reading
your e-mail out loud?   http://www.lifefx.com

I think I'll just leave that to my dog.
http://www.zdnetasia.com/products/gstechno/story/0,2000008948,20202212,00.htm

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CLASSIC COMMENT
---------------
Several messages of late from the honorable Mark Gibbs
(www.gibbs.com) have included the following signature:

  > This e-mail is intended for the use of the individual
  > addressee(s) named above and may contain information
  > that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for
  > overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no
  > sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you
  > are not the intended recipient, any dissemination,
  > distribution or copying of this e-mail is not authorized
  > (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an
  > irritating social faux pas.
  >
  > Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its
  > correct context somewhere other than in this warning,
  > it does not have any legal, or grammatical use and
  > may be ignored.
  >
  > No animals were harmed in the transmission of this
  > e-mail, although the Kelpie next door is living on
  > borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an
  > overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to
  > learn that there is no hidden message revealed by
  > reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that
  > alert Notice from Microsoft.
  >
  > However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around
  > yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm
  > befalls you and your pets.
  >
  > If you have received this e-mail in error, please add
  > some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven
  > for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2
  > hours before icing.

Adam Gaffin at Network World Magazine, another recipient
of Mark's largess, limited his response to:
http://bloxword.ca/disclaim.htm
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WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?
---------------------
"According to Haitian mythology, Ayezan is the patroness
of the marketplace. Legend has it that Ayezan is the
chief protector of the markets and public places. In
fact, legend would have us believe that enterprising
businessmen would find themselves thrust into the
world of high finance and business and Ayezan would
answer their calls for assistance, and be more than
willing to make deals! Uncannily Ayezan is also said
to profit more than any other patroness through the
deals she cuts with these practitioners."

From: http://ayezan.com/about_us/overview/overview.asp
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SHAMELESS PLUG
---------------
Where in the world is Jim Sterne?
What day is it?

This week I'm in Sydney & Hong Kong on behalf of Customer
Loyalty Futures http://www.loyaltyfutures.com

On June 12 you can catch me all over Scottish E-Business
Week in Glasgow. http://www.ecommx.com/events.htm

July 10 and 11 sees me back in Chicago for Internet
World. I'll be up to my old tricks, informing anybody
within the sound of my voice about:

    Eight Ways to a Great Customer Service Site
    The Business Side of Managing a Web Site
    Measuring Success: Beyond the Valley of the Server Logs
    The Successful Business-To-Business Web Site

The rest of the time, I plan to visit clients in Chicago,
Houston, San Francisco, and then some.

For a further look ahead, there's always:
http://www.targeting.com/upcoming.html

For those of you who read this far... here's a freebie:
an interview (with a handful of PowerPoint slides) about
Customer Service on the Internet:
http://www.realmarket.com/live/091500-00041/
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How about you?
I'm interested in what is on *your* mind. What issues are
you facing these days? Drop me a line.
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This newsletter is going to be better if it reaches more
people. You can help. The Net is a powerful word-of-mouth
mechanism, so if you know somebody who might like to be on
the receiving end, please point them to http://www.targeting.com
or have them send a message to subscribe@targeting.com.

This goes double for my friends in Australia who are still
scratching their heads over recent legislation forbidding
the forwarding of e-mail:
http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,1768268%5E421,00.html
As Bob Lewis wrote in InfoWorld, "Once again, the law exceeds
satire's ability to ridicule."

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http://laser.sparklist.com/scripts/lyris.pl?enter=full_sterne_ahead

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