Target Marketing -- Full Sterne Ahead

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Full Sterne Ahead

by Jim Sterne

August, 2001

Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web marketing consultant to business and industry

This month I ponder those who spurn e-mail in When Will
They Ever Learn?, thank some astute spam fighters in
Resource(s) of Note, am treated to an edible lesson in
branding in While I Was Out, foresee the next generation
of road rage in The Crystal Ball, take a look at e-mails
I never finished reading in My In-Box, invite you to
Santa Barbara in The Big Idea, suggest that humor has been
known to work in You Can Do It, lament force feeding of
content in Don't Try This At Home, am discouraged by
unchecked spell-check in Apology of the Month, spend too
much time playing with One of my Favorite Buttons, am not
surprised by the latest in intrusive advertising in
Marketing Marvels, admire the ultimate 404 in Silly
Sighting of the Moment, lament the passing of an Internet
icon in Who'd Have Guessed? And, yes, I'm still wandering
the globe in Shameless Plug.
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WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
--------------------------
Those who saw me give presentations in the 90's know
that I liked to go after Volvo tooth and nail for their
lame e-mail management - emphasis on the past tense. You
also know that I have *no* patience for Southwest Airlines.
To see why, take a look at the paragraph at the very
bottom of http://www.southwest.com/help/luvbook.html
"luvbook.html" ??

Janet Kalbhen from www.electronicpublisher.net survived
more than one of my presentations at a recent Internet
World (thanks again for watching my laptop while I had
to leave the room for a moment, Janet) and she was kind
enough to point out the complete lack of an e-mail
address at: http://www.lays.com/contact.html

But then she sent me this bit, rivaling Southwest, which
she found at http://www.traderjoes.com/tj/signup

  > Here at Trader Joe's, we know to stick to what we do
  > best -- give our customers great value on everything
  > from the unique to the basic grocery items. We keep
  > our costs low so we can pass the savings along to you.
  > We avoid items that drive up our overhead costs.
  > One of those dreaded items is ... (silence, please)
  > email. (gasp) You've been enthusiastically e-mailing
  > us. The catch? We'd need to hire a new staff to keep
  > up with your e-mail response, resulting in increased
  > prices to you (vicious cycle, yes?)! So, from here
  > on out, we're going to focus on bringing in great
  > new products and keeping our existing products great
  > values for you.
  >
  > E-mail has been unfortunately but respectfully
  > discontinued. Please don't misunderstand. We love
  > hearing from our customers. And the best source of
  > Trader Joe's information is as close as your nearest
  > Trader Joe's store. Our Crew members are a
  > knowledgeable bunch. If they don't have answers for
  > you immediately, they'll find someone to get an
  > answer for you!

Oh, and parking lots? Unneeded overhead. And those shopping
carts with wheels? Forget it.

To top off the Never Learn section, I called my firewall
company with a major problem and a recording told me they
have no telephone support. None. The recording suggested
their Web site or e-mail. Not very helpful when your firewall
doesn't let you access the Web or your e-mail, eh?

Sheesh.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

RESOURCE(s) OF NOTE
----------------
Thanks to Tristan Louis for
a pointer to the following to counter the dreaded Spam:
http://www.suespammers.org

More thanks to Sebastian Flothow
who wrote:

  > Another useful one is http://www.spamcop.net which
  > automates the annoying task of sending spam complaints.
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WHILE I WAS OUT
---------------
I once again had the distinct pleasure of dinning with
Jack Powers director of International Informatics
Institute http://www.in3.org and Internet World's
Main Man. Jack knows his restaurants. If/when you get
to Chicago, head over to Bin36 and enjoy a Wine Flight. See
"What is a flight?" at http://www.bin36.com/winebar.html

While I was buying a bottle of Nivole Musact (just lightly
frizzante, not all the way to spumante. Wonderful!) I
asked Michael, the very knowledgeable shop keeper (yes,
this restaurant has a store in it and the whole operation
is a paragon of marketing) about the selection of the
name "Bin36".

Michael told me that each wine is assigned a BIN number,
to make it easy to match wines with specific dishes. I
had seen that on the menu. He said that they had 35 bins
and that the mystery/rumor/secret of the restaurant was
that Bin36 was where they kept the super secret, eyes
only, personal bottles for their very best guests.

"Really?" I asked, eyebrows raised in delight at being
allowed to know such insider information.

"Not really," he replied. "It's just that it's impossible
to get a great domain name unless you use a number too."
Marketing in a modern world.
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THE CRYSTAL BALL
----------------
Every now and then I am hit with a Random Act of Therapy.
Last month, this gem came in response to my giving away
a few copies of the third edition of my book, WWW Marketing:

  > From: "Sharon Landers"
  > To:
  > Subject: Re: Full Sterne Ahead - Special Announcement
  > Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2001 10:54:23 -0500
  >
  > I replied AS SOON AS I received your offer! I even
  > sent in another one inquiring about the status of
  > my reply. Yet, was I a winner? No. The MOMENT I
  > received your email, I replied. How much faster can
  > I get? Then, you give away other copies for being
  > the most original and so on. Had I known that you
  > would respond to flattery and creativity, I would
  > have replied differently. THEN you have the nerve
  > to provide a link to purchase the book to those
  > of us (like me) who did respond immediately but
  > obviously did not warrant a free book for some
  > strange reason of your own! I have no wish to
  > purchase the book, thank you.
  >
  > Don't bother replying. There would be no point in it.

No argument there. I looked back at the domain in Sharon's
e-mail address and thought, Psychiatrist, heal thyself.

Forget road rage, the Crystal Ball says E-Mail Rage has
only just begun.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MY IN-BOX
---------
E-mails I never finished reading... First, the usual
rubbish from people who think they're experts:

  > From: Mark Broadnax
  > Subject: Marketing Proposal
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  >
  > Hello,
  >      Please put me in direct contact with your online
  > Media Buyer or V.P. of Marketing. I was hoping to discuss
  > several potential advertising avenues with you that can

and:

  > From: "Eric Zetterlund"
  > Subject: Business Development Inquiry
  > Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 18:06:01 -0400
  >
  > Greetings,
  >
  > Please excuse this intrusion. Snipermail.com is a
  > leader in "opt-in" permission email marketing.

Thanks to Steve Dasseos
for this gem:

  > At Wednesday, 16 May 2001, "john"
  > wrote:
  >
  > Did you request this e-mail?
  >
  > Do you know who it is from?
  >
  > If the answer is no, then you need the latest solution
  > to junk and 'spam' e-mails, the Mailbox Filter.
  >
  > A free 30 day trial of this software is available now...

To which I replied to Steve:

  "Hello, Mr. Dasseos?

  "I'm calling you in the middle of your dinner to
   tell you about our fabulous new caller-ID/Telemarketing
   Call Blocker so you never have to take calls like this
   again..."

And then, things started getting weird:

  > Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 12:01:14 +0800 (CST)
  > From:
  > To:
  > Subject: If you're looking for a bride ...
  >
  > If you're interested in finding a beautiful, compatible
  > bride, outside of the U.S. and Canada, then the
  > following free info.  will *definitely* be of great
  > interest to you:

and:

  > Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 06:44:15 -0700
  > From: "Deb"
  > To: "Great learning tool"
  > Subject: great learning tool1
  >
  > Banned in 27 countries.
  > Information the powerful elite class do NOT want
  > you to have.
  >
  > No longer available in Africa or the Middle East,
  > due to death threats and import restrictions specific
  > to this product.

Finally:

  > To:
  > From: gbaird67r65@yahoo.com
  > Subject: We are the septic tank experts
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THE BIG IDEA
------------
This time the big idea is keeping track of your success.
The big idea is measuring your Web site so you know if
you're headed in the right direction. How do you know
you're doing a good job? What do you measure?

Given the tough economic times, focusing on fundamentals
seems like such a good idea that I've decided to host an
event - a working session called the:

   E-METRICS SUMMIT

I'm inviting those with a keen interest in measuring the
success of their Web sites to Santa Barbara on November
7 - 9. Read all about it at:

   http://www.emetrics.org/summit

Sponsored by NetGenesis http://www.netgen.com
Think this should have been in the Shameless Plug section?
Don't worry - it is.
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YOU CAN DO IT
-------------
If you're good, you can win friends and influence people
with humor. Take for example, the approach taken by
Despair, Inc. with Permission Harassment:
http://www.despair.com/subscribe.html
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DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
----------------------
  > From:    TodayAtAU@american.edu [SMTP:TodayAtAU@american.edu]
  > Sent:    Monday, July 23, 2001 1:39 PM
  > To:      Frank Strong
  > Subject: Re: unsubscribe
  >
  > I'm sorry you can NOT be removed from this service.
  > The computer use policy allows AU to contact AU
  > staff, faculty and students as needed.
  >
  > AU is starting to implement a paperless university
  > and all communication from the university will be
  > in the form of email.

What made Frank want to unsubscribe? The totality of AU
News and announcements of critical importance for all American
University staff, faculty and students as of Monday, July 23 was
a paragraph entitled, "Women's Tennis Team Named Academic All-Americans".

Frank knows it's a slippery slope.
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APOLOGY OF THE MONTH
--------------------
Here's an apology that requires an apology. This came in
from Adam Boettiger , host of http://www.email911.com

Adam wrote:

  > Here's a classic example of why one should never
  > fully trust a spell-checker and *never* set it to
  > auto-correct words that it thinks are misspelled
  > without rereading what you send before you send it.
  >
  >   > From: Jude Wertheim
  >   > Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 10:54:43 +0300
  >   > To: adam.boettiger@i-advertising.com
  >   > Subject: DiskOnKey registration
  >   >
  >   > Dear Sir,
  >   >
  >   > Our Technical Support department has forwarded
  >   > me your registration information. I apologize
  >   > for the incontinence, we have a routine that
  >   > checks e-mail addresses' validity and apparently
  >   > yours is a bit different than the standard.

Did that make Adam feel better?
Relieved?
Depends.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

ONE OF MY FAVORITE BUTTONS
--------------------------
I was fascinated by the idea of Daliworld but I had
trouble getting past playing with the logo on the
Splash page. http://www.daliworld.net

You know me - I just hate spinning, flashing, time wasting
stuff like that. But this is so fitting and melds so well
with their branding, that all I could do was marvel and,
well, play with it.
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MARKETING MARVELS
-----------------
"Everyone's talking about AdSlap, the online ad technology
that users simply can't ignore. AdSlap banners are
specially coded to pop up when you come to a page; the
banners then trigger a process whereby you are slapped
across the face and a glass of water is dumped in your lap.

"Needless to say, AdSlap breaks through the clutter --
brand awareness and ad recall are through the roof (even
better than TV). Click-through rates are much higher than
average. Bottom line: AdSlap can be an effective tool, as
long as you can live with the hate mail and product
boycotts."

From the article:
http://www.clickz.com/mkt/emkt_strat/article.php/844581
by:
Jeffrey Graham http://www.dynamiclogic.com
Not to be confused with my brother-in-law Jeffrey Graham at:
http://www.cpagraham.com
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SILLY SIGHTING OF THE MOMENT
----------------------------
Chris Locke (http://www.rageboy.com) author of the soon
to be released "Gonzo Marketing, Winning Through Worst
Practices" http://www.gonzomarkets.com spotted another
wry page out there. Although, in preparing this edition
of FSA, I came across a reference to it in Doc Searls'
Weblog: http://doc.weblogs.com who gives the credit to
David Werinberger and his Journal of the Hyperlinked
Organization http://www.hyperorg.com

So which of these three authors of the Cluetrain Manifesto
got it from whom and is it still contagious?

In any case, akin to the many End of the Internet pages
out there, this one mocks the infernal 404:
http://www.somethingawful.com/nointelligence
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WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?
-------------------
Good-bye Industry Standard. We wish you had been paying
just a *little* bit closer attention so you could have
heeded some of your own warnings. If anyone should have
seen the danger signs... and the way you pulled the rug
out from under your staff. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SHAMELESS PLUG
--------------
Where in the world is Jim Sterne?
What day is it?

On September 6 and 7, you can find me in Houston at the
Tenagra conference - New Digital Economy: Survival of
the Fittest http://www.survival.tenagra.com Between
a keynote and a full-day seminar, I'll be in fine form.

Then it's back in Sao Paulo on September 17 and 18 for
a two-day seminar on Web marketing and online customer
relationships hosted by my friends at HSM Eventos
Internacionais http://www.hsm.com.br/smp.htm

On September 27, I'll be keynoting the Orbit/COMDEX
conference in Basel http://www.orbitcomdex.com
(not Zurich as I said last time - thanks to Philippe
Mesot, at Pinck Softech http://www.pinck.ch)

From Zurich I head to San Francisco to give a full day
workshop at the Customer Service Management conference
on September 30 called The Seven Silver Bullets of
Online Customer Service Success:
http://www.csm-us.com/csm2001/consession.asp?action=13
That's followed the next day by a one hour session
entitled Person to Person about linking people together:
http://www.csm-us.com/csm2001/session.asp?c=5&action=24

Then it's off to New York in time for my home away from
home: Internet World, where I'll be on the 3rd and 4th
of October.
http://www.iw.com/events/fall2001/forums/mastery.php

The end of October will find me in Istanbul and Copenhagen.
More on those venues as details become available.

And then comes November...
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
               E-Metrics Summit
                Santa Barbara
               November 7, 8, 9
    http://www.emetrics.org/summit
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
For a further look ahead, there's always:
http://www.targeting.com/upcoming.html
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How about you?
I'm interested in what is on *your* mind. What issues are
you facing these days? Drop me a line.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
This newsletter is going to be better if it reaches more
people. You can help. The Net is a powerful word-of-mouth
mechanism, so if you know somebody who might like to be on
the receiving end, please point them to http://www.targeting.com.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
Full Sterne Ahead contains the mostly monthly musings of
Jim Sterne, author, speaker, and Web business consultant
to business and industry.

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