Target Marketing -- Full Sterne Ahead

Sterne Measures
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Full Sterne Ahead

by Jim Sterne

September, 2001

  > To: "Jim Sterne"
  >
  > Dear Jim,
  > I am only writing to you to let you know how
  > horrified everyone here in Portugal was with
  > the attacks yesterday. It was astonishing! Us,
  > here in Emarketeer.net, just stopped working
  > and followed the news minute by minute, we were
  > completely choked with what we saw and just could
  > not concentrate on our work, it was too much. I
  > think it was one of the most horrible atrocities
  > towards human life, where innocent lives were just
  > taken away in few minutes.
  >
  > Just wanted you to know that our country completely
  > stopped, everyone rushed to the next TV or, like us,
  > to internet to just follow the news, because nobody
  > could believe their eyes. Hope the guilty ones are
  > severally punished.
  >
  > Good luck for all of you.
  > Ana
  > ------------------------------
  > Ana Vinhas Ribeiro
  > Emarketeer.net
  > www.emarketeer.net
  > LISBOA,PORTUGAL

I think she meant "severely punished," but then I
looked up severally: Separately; distinctly; apart
from others; alone; exclusively; solely, and I feel
that is a better wish.
------------------------------

In this issue:
- Replacements.com wants to get to know you
   really well in When Will They Ever Learn?
- It's time to cater to your customers in Resource of
   Note.
- I report on a company that's very serious about
   measuring their Web success in While I Was Out.
- I foresee slow, sticky computers in the Crystal Ball.
- There are unreadable messages and flying shoes In My
   In-Box.
- I advocate following the letter of European law in
   The Big Idea.
- I admire a man with less hair than myself in You Can
   Do It
- I lament how easy it is to look like a spammer in
   Don't Try This At Home.
- I laugh at Microsoft's expense in One of my Favorite
   Buttons.
- My faithful assistant, Alanna, tells her telephone
   story in Marketing Marvels.
- Cisco Systems takes it on the chin in Silly Sighting
   of the Moment.
- The US government offers up advice on usability in
   Who'd Have Guessed?.
- Avis just isn't trying hard enough in If They Can Put
   A Man On The Moon.
- A domain name is long enough for a Classic Comment
- And there's always a shameless plug to help establish
   my future whereabouts.
- But first...

A Special Announcement:
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
   We all need to know if our Web efforts are paying
   off. We need to measure if the changes we make are
   actually improving things.

   So we're bringing the best and the brightest together
   in one place to share knowledge, tell stories, make
   decisions and determine just what state of the art
   really is.

   This issue begins with a Shameless Plug because Sept 15
   is the last day to get a $300 early registration discount
   for the E-Metrics Summit. Need help convincing your boss?
   Find Summit Funding Approval Success Tips at:
   https://www.targeting.com/summitregSecure.html

   Hey, if Achuo Roger Kedze from Douala, Cameroon
   can convince *his* boss, maybe you have a shot...
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
And now, back to our previously scheduled program, already
in progress...
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?
--------------------------
Loren Williams made a horrible mistake. He asked for the
price and availability of a soup bowl from Replacements.com.
Silly man.

> Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2001 9:36 AM
> Subject: Price and Availability on Lenox Liberty soup
> bowls
>
> Do you have 12-13 Lenox Libery 9" soup bowls?
> What is your price?
> How much is shipping to Chicago, IL. (economy is
> fine.)

Replacements.com wasn't about to let him get away
with it:

> From: inquiremail
> To: 'Loren Williams'
> Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 22:56:26 -0400
>
> Thank you for contacting Replacements, Ltd. We will
> need your full name, complete mailing address and/or
> customer number in order to send a list of the
> available pieces in your pattern.

And bring a note from your mother as well!
Loren, we hope you've learned your lesson.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

RESOURCE OF NOTE
----------------
The message from Gary Bagin asked,
"Looking for games, tips and guidance to celebrate
National Customer Service Week (Oct. 1-5) at your company?
Log on to http://www.customerserviceweek.com for dozens
of free ideas to plan a successful event."

I immediately wondered why we should need a National
Customer Service Week? Shouldn't we be doing good things
for our customers all the time? Of course. Are we? Of
course not. That's why you should click on over to find
out what kind of stuff you should be doing.

And there's a free copy of "World Wide Web Marketing" to
the best customer service parody of Tom Lehrer's National
Brotherhood Week:
http://wiw.org/~drz/tom.lehrer/the_year.html#brotherhood
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

WHILE I WAS OUT
---------------
The next FSA may be filled with stories from Sao Paulo,
Berlin, Basel, Evian, Istanbul or Copenhagen. *This* one
only goes as far as Houston.

I spent day in the land of tall thunderstorms and high
humidity interviewing some of the Web metrics people
at Compaq - which, due to the announcement that day
we should be calling Hewlett-Compaqard.

I've talked to more than 50 companies and this group
has a serious handle on measuring their Web site. Where
do people come from? How long do they stay? How many of
them buy? The most fascinating of all was the statistical
look at which changes they could make that would most
likely improve conversion rates. The science of low-
hanging fruit.

I felt like it was 1994 again, when I intervied Judy
Lindberg, Internet Program Manager, and Carl Meske,
Internet Technical Program Manager at Sun Microsystems.
I was so impressed that I invited them to speak at
my Marketing on the Internet seminars in 1995.

Lately, I've been dreaming up lots of e-metrics possibilities
and coming across *lots* of people who are interested, but
Compaq is doing it - in depth.

So I'm very excited that Seth Romanow from Compaq, and
Sandy Ware, from Sun will be presenting at the E-Metrics
Summit in November. Don't miss it:
http://www.targetingemetrics.com/summit.shtml
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE CRYSTAL BALL
----------------
The Washington Post reported that, "Scientists at the
Max Planck Institute for Biochemistry in Germany have
electronically linked multiple snail neurons onto
transistor chips and demonstrated that the cells
communicate with each other and with the chips:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A5195-2001Aug27.html

In the olden days, Andy made faster computers and Bill's
software used them all up. Now, the machines are plenty
fast and the latest versions of Windows are nothing to
e-mail home about. The Crystal Ball sees Bill & Andy at
work again: Developing computers out of snails' brains
so we'll all have to upgrade to Windows Escargot.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MY IN-BOX
---------
  > Subject: Your Domain Name
  > To:
  > From: BizLand
  > Organization: BizLand.com
  > Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2001 16:04:57 -0400
  > Sender: nobody@bizland-inc.net
  >
  > zLand, Your Domain Name
  > This is a multi-part message in MIME format...
  > is is a multi-part message in MIME format...
  > If you are reading this message, then your client
  > does
  > not support MIME.
  > @_-_
  >
  > you are reading this message, then your client does
  > not support MIME.
  > @_-_
  > ------2415263-6967-968
  > ----2415263-6967-968
  > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
  > ntent-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
  > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

This went on for eight pages. [sigh]
And there was this:

  > To:
  > From:
  > Subject: Email Marketing Campaign
  > Date: Mi, 18 Jul 2001 14:29:40 -1000
  > Reply-To: office@emailmarketing.at
  >
  > {\rtf1\ansi\deff0\deftab720{\fonttbl{\f0\fswiss
  > MS Sans Serif;}{\f1\froman\fcharset2 Symbol;}}
  > {\colortbl\red0\green0\blue0;} \deflang1031\pard\
  > plain\f0\fs17 Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, \par \par
  > I\'b4ve an email marketing firm here in Austria and
  > if you need I could send out website promotions to
  > 200 000 000 online users worldwide. \par If you
  > need my service please let me know. \par Best Regards,
  > \par Andreas Schoepf \par Schoepf Email Marketing
  > \par J.W.Kleinstrasse 63 \par A-4040 Linz,Austria \
  > par Phone:++43 676 3994047 \par office@emailmarketing.at
  > \par www.emailmarketing.at \par }

Sort of like Beetlejuice advertising his services
as an exorcist.

My funny bone promptly help me recover when I read this:

  > From: Tan Long
  > Subject: Flying Shoes
  > Reply-To: chunpai@public.glptt.gx.cn
  > Date: 2001-8-10
  >
  > DEAR SIR / MADAM :
  > HOW DO YOU DO !
  > WE CAN SUPPLY HIGH QUALITY FLYING SHOES,
  > SUCH FLYING SHOES LET YOU BOTH CAN
  > WALK NORMALLY, AND CAN SLIDE AS FLYING.
  >IT IS A SORT OF FASHIONABLE PRODUCT.
  > THE FOB PRICE IS USD 7.70 PER PAIR, WELCOME
  >ORDER ! PLEASE LOOK THE DETAILS WITH PHOTOS   >FROM http://www.chunpai.com/flyingshoe.htm

Only sort of fashionable, mind you.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

THE BIG IDEA
------------
Faithful FSA reader Ian Dewar wrote:

  > Thanks for the latest edition of your newsletter. Here's
  > a story for you I heard on the radio the other morning.
  >
  > In the UK our data protection legislation is fairly tough.
  > Storing data on a computer means you must register with
  > the Data Protection  Registrar and obtain agreement from
  > those you put on the database that their name can be
  > stored, via the use of an opt out box.
  >
  > So a professor at Bristol Business School, who is a noted
  > CRM speaker,

My guess is http://www.uwe.ac.uk/bbs/PEOPLE/MKTG/Mevans.htm
but I could be wrong.

  > recently transferred all his E-mail addresses
  > from one database on his computer to another. He then wrote
  > to all 1,000 of these contacts asking them if it was OK
  > for him to continue to store and use their E-mail address.
  > Three people replied asking him to delete their data.
  >
  > As he said, this was probably the first time anyone had
  > done this although technically, it is a legal obligation
  > to do so. Of course, the upside is that he has re-contacted
  > 1,000 business prospects, shown them what a stickler for
  > detail is and got rid of three names he would have pissed
  > off if he had continued to contact them.

The big idea? It's an oldie, but a goodie:
Respect your customers and their information, and they
will reward you for it.
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YOU CAN DO IT
-------------
You can advertise almost anywhere these days:
http://www.sponsormymelon.com/

I wonder if Brandon has given much through to how he's
going to track his clickthroughs. Ouch.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
----------------------
  > Delivered-To: jsterne@silcom.com
  > Date: 24 Aug 2001 08:31:19 -0700
  > From: "Coach.com"
  > Subject: Your Coach.com information has changed
  > To: JSTERNE@targeting.com
  >
  > Thank you for your continued interest in Coach.com.
  > As you requested, your e-mail address has been
  > successfully changed to: lostdeals@aol.com
  >
  > This message has been sent to your old e-mail
  > address, as well as your new address. If this
  > change is correct, you may disregard both messages.
  > If you have any questions or concerns, please
  > contact us at comments@coach.com.

I have no intention of changing my email address. Ever.
And if I did, lostdeals@aol.com would be very close to
my last choice.

After sending off a nasty graham, telling Coach that
they should consider a double-opt-out policy, I looked
again at the return e-mail address. That prompted me to
head over to http://www.m0.net where I was told, "You
have reached a Digital Impact web server."

So I went to http://www.digitalimpact.com and found a
legitimate looking email marketing company with Coach
listed as one of their clients.

Coach: Time to ask for a refund.
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APOLOGY OF THE MONTH
--------------------
David Newton-Dines wrote
from the UK to point out that there's a "quiet revolution
going on on this side of the pond that just might spread..."
He was referring to http://www.CallCentreVoice.com

However, that message came as a BTW along with September's
Apology of the Month:

  > From: CoffeeCup [mailto:helpdesk@coffeecup.com]
  > Sent: 08 September 2001 20:20
  > To: Loyal User
  > Subject: *Important Notice - HTML Editor 9.0 is Here !
  >
  > It is important you read this e-mail. (we had a
  > mail glitch) If you received this e-mail more than
  > once please be assured this won't happen again.
  > Our mailserver went a little crazy. We really
  > apologize. Computers stink sometimes :)
  > ---------------------------

I have no trouble believing the sincerity of that message.
And they certainly got it right about computers.
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ONE OF MY FAVORITE BUTTONS
--------------------------
A tip of the hat once again to Doc Searls and his Weblog
http://doc.weblogs.com for unearthing this whole series
of buttons:
http://128.241.244.96/portal/uploads/27000/27549_winrg.swf
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

MARKETING MARVELS
-----------------
  > Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 11:04:49 -0700
  > To: Jim Sterne
  > From: Alanna Coyne
  > Subject: waffles
  >
  > Here is the story:
  > The cold call ended with: Do you have any clients
  > who might be interested in using frequent flier
  > miles as incentives? But by this point, I couldn't
  > stop laughing so I pushed the mute button while I
  > regained my composure.
  >
  > "Let's say you go to the grocery store and you
  > see Kellogg's products" is how he started. On the
  > back of Kellogg's boxes they sometimes have 500-mile
  > frequent flier coupons. So, the marketing marvels at
  > Apex Marketing buy Kellogg's waffles by "semi-loads"
  > and sell the coupons for $10 each to other businesses
  > to use as incentives.
  >
  > Of course, I had to ask: What happens to the waffles?
  > He did say "semi-loads."
  >
  > Let's just say there is bound to be a shortage of
  > syrup at his local charities. The company is Apex
  > Marketing, based in Utah. No Web site, just "a room
  > full of coupons."

And now you know why I hired Alanna to help me out.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

SILLY SIGHTING OF THE MOMENT
----------------------------
Mellanie Hills, a member of the Internet Business
Solutions Group at Cisco, a good friend and a fine
public speaker passed along the Wall Street Journal
article pointing out great ways for companies to
save money in these lean times.

The article (Digits section, August 30, 2001) described
fliers posted in Cisco break rooms, encouraging employees
to "Drink responsibly" and "Drink frugally." Since the
average Cisco employee consumes five beverages a day,
cutting back to four would save Cisco $2.4 million a year.

Seeing as how no good deed goes unpunished, we may now
admire some of the latest posters online at
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/frugal

"A Cisco spokeswoman describes the site as 'very funny,'
suggesting that the company hasn't lost all its humor in
the current downturn," said the W$J. Mellanie never loses
her humor.
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WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?
-------------------
Who'd have guessed that Web site usability advice would
be dispensed by the National Cancer Institute under the
URL: http://www.usability.gov

Take a look before you laugh - there's some good
information there. I don't know - maybe *every*
industry needs this sort of help...
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

IF THEY CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON
---------------------------------
Lilly Buchwitz, who recently attained the imposing title
of Professor (she'll be teaching all things e-marketing
at the University of New Brunswick Saint John
http://www.unbsj.ca/business Go, Lilly!), was looking to
rent a car. Here's the message she left on the Contact Us
page at www.avis.com:

  > From: Lilly Buchwitz
  > Email: lilly@buchwitz.com
  > Comment:
  > I thought there were Avis locations in
  > Canada? I tried avis.com and found I could only
  > search for locations by U.S. state. So I
  > tried avis.ca... and found the same thing.
  > I guess I was mistaken; there is no
  > Avis in Canada. I guess I'll have to rent
  > from Budget.

Lilly conveyed the rest of story to me:

  > I pressed the SEND button and got this:
  >
  >   > You are unauthorized to run this script from
  >   > http://www.avis.com/talk_to_us/site_feedback.html"!
  >
  > Well, gee, there's no need to shout!
  > Budget, here I come.

Sheesh.
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

CLASSIC COMMENT
---------------
Mellanie Hills, who does *not* have too much time on her
hands, even though she contributed twice this month, sent
along this little gem from an e-mail newsletter of The
Net Economy http://www.theneteconomy.com

> "...the average observer wouldn't have wanted to miss,
> for example, the feud between Verizon Communications
> and the hacker journal 2600. That dispute started,
> you'll recall, when Verizon registered verizonsucks.com,
> only to see 2600 register verizonreallysucks.com.
> That generated a cease-and-desist letter from Sarah
> Deutsch, Bell Atlantic's chief intellectual-property
> counsel. 2600 rebounded, winning the comedy battle,
> if not the legal one, by registering VerizonShouldSpend
> MoreTimeFixingItsNetworkAndLessMoneyOnLawyers.com -
> maxing out what at that time was the greatest possible
> number of letters in a functional domain name.
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SHAMELESS PLUG
--------------
Where in the world is Jim Sterne?
What day is it?

I'm off to Sao Paulo on September 17 and 18 for a two-day
seminar on Web marketing and online customer relationships
hosted by my friends at HSM Eventos Internacionais.
http://www.hsm.com.br/smp.htm

On September 27, I'll be keynoting about putting the
Customer in the Center at the Orbit/COMDEX conference
in Basel. http://www.orbitcomdex.com

Then it's off to San Francisco to give a full day workshop
at the Customer Service Management conference on the 30th
of September called The Seven Silver Bullets of Online
Customer Service Success:
http://www.csm-us.com/csm2001/consession.asp?action=13

That's followed the next day by a one hour session entitled
Person to Person about linking people together:
http://www.csm-us.com/csm2001/session.asp?c=5&action=24

Next it's to New York in time for my home away from home:
Internet World, where I'll be on the 3rd and 4th of October.
http://www.iw.com/events/fall2001/forums/mastery.php

October 9 finds me back in Europe on the southern shore
of Lake Geneva at the Vignette European Customer Summit.

October 20 will find me in Istanbul for the Smart eMarketing
Conference & Expo http://www.smartvalley.net/e-marketing

Then to Copenhagen for the October 24th Permission Marketing
Conference
http://194.192.207.13/default.asp?eventid=15675&PageID=198&

And then comes November. Did I remember to mention the:
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
               E-Metrics Summit
                Santa Barbara
               November 7, 8, 9
    http://www.targetingemetrics.com/summit
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------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
For a further look ahead, there's always:
http://www.targeting.com/upcoming.html

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