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March, 2002

First, an offer I couldn't refuse:

  > From: jason thackrey
  > To:
  > Subject: Instant Internet Empire
  >
  > Its official, the Internet is currently creating
  > more millionaires than any other industry in history.
  > A vastly growing international marketplace, with
  > seemingly no boundaries, the income potential is
  > AMAZING.
  >
  > Are you taking advantage?
  >
  > We can help you get 5 money making websites up and
  > running with a HALF HOUR, and show you exactly how
  > to produce traffic and process sales.. no expertise
  > required!
  >
  > The best part: Success is GUARANTEED. If you're not
  > making at least $500 pure profit in your first month,
  > or if you're not satisfied for any reason, we will
  > refund every penny of your purchase price... there
  > is no risk involved, you cant lose!

Wonderful! Success is GUARANTEED! I can't lose!
Then came this:

  > From:
  > To:
  > Subject: Men Will Look At Your New Cleavage..

Somehow, I managed to refrain from both those offers.

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February, 2002

I'd like to help, Jack. Really I would.
Maybe it's the opposite of night marketing?

  From: "=?EUC-KR?B?yLLA57HZ?="
  Organization: =?EUC-KR?B?vcW5rg==?=
  To:
  Subject: from korea ,
  X-Mailer: Daum Web Mailer 1.0
  Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 18:56:20 +0900 (KST)
  >
  > HI, from south korea
  > my name is jack
  > ...
  > what's day marketing ...
  > ====================================================
  > ¿ì¸(r) ÀÎÅͳÝ, Daum http://www.daum.net
  > 1/2Ç1/2ð£ äÆÃ, ¹"ÇÑ´ë ÆÄÀÏÀü1/4Û! Áö±Ý ¹ëÇØ º¸1/41/4¿ä~ Ÿ¯!

A short trip down History Lane:

A major tip of the hat to the original spam fighter
Major Raymond Czahor who took on Digital Equipment -
in 1978. http://www.templetons.com/brad/spamreact.html
And article on the origins of "spam" at
http://www.templetons.com/brad/spamterm.html

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November, 2001

Emails I never even needed to read:

  > Delivered-To: jsterne@silcom.com
  > From: "John"
  > To: User@vivanet.com.au
  > Subject: HugeëSavingsë75%-85%ëëOnëInkjetsë&ë
  >          LaserëCartridgesëëManufactureëDirect
  > X-Mailer: MMailer v3.0
  > Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 15:52:38 +-0800

An X-Mailer indeed.

  > Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2001 14:10:20 -0500
  > From: "Staples Canada"
  > To: michelle@targeting.com
  > Subject: Stock Up And Save With Staples Businessdepot.Com!

The only way to unsubscribe was to send an email.
An open and shut case for double opt-in.

  > From: "Cherie M"
  > To:
  > Subject: Request Permission to send information
  > Date: Tue, 9 Oct 2001 12:23:15 -0700

Non, mon Cherie.

  > From: samanthawlm@jippii.fi
  > To: seanna2m@msn.com
  > Date: Wed, 10 Oct 01 22:23:13 EST
  > Subject: Antibiotics & Gas Masks .. Order Online!!
  > Reply-To: samanthawlm@jippii.fi

Pass!

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October, 2001

Emails I never finished reading:

  > From:
  > To: caddy@texramp.net
  > Subject:
  > Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 19:32:14
  > Sender: services@msn.com
  >
  > STOP!
  > URGENT MESSAGE!
  > PLEASE READ COMPLETELY!
  > THIS MESSAGE WAS SENT PER YOUR REQUEST!
  > It is important that you read this message as soon
  > as possible. Again I urge you to read this message
  > to its fullest!
  >

This came from what *was* a trusted brand:

  > From: "ACNielsen.Online"
  > To: "'jsterne@targeting.com'"
  > Subject: Trade Development Council online survey
  > Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2001 14:28:37 +1000
  >
  > Dear Mr Jim Sterne,
  > To better understand the needs of its website users
  > and to examine the current state of the e-Commerce
  > readiness in the market, the Hong Kong Trade
  > Development Council (TDC) has commissioned
  > ACNielsen.online to conduct an online survey.
  >
  > Simply follow the link below and complete a 10
  > minute online survey, you will have a chance to
  > win TRAVEL CASH COUPONS good enough for you to fly
  > FREE for a return trip from your home town to Hong
  > Kong.
  >
  > Click the link below NOW!

To which I replied:

  > Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2001 09:01:22 -0700
  > To: "ACNielsen.Online"
  > From: Jim Sterne
  > Subject: Re: Trade Development Council online survey
  >
  > How did you come across my email address?
  > And where did I agree to accept unsolicited
  > email from you?

No reply.

Come to think of it... I never really trusted
AC Nielsen to begin with.

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September, 2001

  > Subject: Your Domain Name
  > To:   
  > From: BizLand
  > Organization: BizLand.com
  > Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2001 16:04:57 -0400
  > Sender: nobody@bizland-inc.net
  >
  > zLand, Your Domain Name
  > This is a multi-part message in MIME format...
  > is is a multi-part message in MIME format...
  > If you are reading this message, then your client
  > does
  > not support MIME.
  > @_-_
  >
  > you are reading this message, then your client does
  > not support MIME.
  > @_-_
  > ------2415263-6967-968
  > ----2415263-6967-968
  > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
  > ntent-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
  > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

This went on for eight pages. [sigh]
And there was this:

  > To:
  > From:
  > Subject: Email Marketing Campaign
  > Date: Mi, 18 Jul 2001 14:29:40 -1000
  > Reply-To: office@emailmarketing.at
  >
  > {\rtf1\ansi\deff0\deftab720{\fonttbl{\f0\fswiss
  > MS Sans Serif;}{\f1\froman\fcharset2 Symbol;}}
  > {\colortbl\red0\green0\blue0;} \deflang1031\pard\
  > plain\f0\fs17 Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, \par \par
  > I\'b4ve an email marketing firm here in Austria and
  > if you need I could send out website promotions to
  > 200 000 000 online users worldwide. \par If you
  > need my service please let me know. \par Best Regards,
  > \par Andreas Schoepf \par Schoepf Email Marketing
  > \par J.W.Kleinstrasse 63 \par A-4040 Linz,Austria \
  > par Phone:++43 676 3994047 \par office@emailmarketing.at
  > \par www.emailmarketing.at \par }

Sort of like Beetlejuice advertising his services
as an exorcist.

My funny bone promptly help me recover when I read this:

  > From: Tan Long
  > Subject: Flying Shoes
  > Reply-To: chunpai@public.glptt.gx.cn
  > Date: 2001-8-10
  >
  > DEAR SIR / MADAM :
  > HOW DO YOU DO !
  > WE CAN SUPPLY HIGH QUALITY FLYING SHOES,
  > SUCH FLYING SHOES LET YOU BOTH CAN
  > WALK NORMALLY, AND CAN SLIDE AS FLYING.
  >IT IS A SORT OF FASHIONABLE PRODUCT.
  > THE FOB PRICE IS USD 7.70 PER PAIR, WELCOME
  >ORDER ! PLEASE LOOK THE DETAILS WITH PHOTOS   >FROM http://www.chunpai.com/flyingshoe.htm

Only sort of fashionable, mind you.

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August, 2001

E-mails I never finished reading... First, the usual
rubbish from people who think they're experts:

  > From: Mark Broadnax
  > Subject: Marketing Proposal
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  >
  > Hello,
  >      Please put me in direct contact with your online
  > Media Buyer or V.P. of Marketing. I was hoping to discuss
  > several potential advertising avenues with you that can

and:

  > From: "Eric Zetterlund"
  > Subject: Business Development Inquiry
  > Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 18:06:01 -0400
  >
  > Greetings,
  >
  > Please excuse this intrusion. Snipermail.com is a
  > leader in "opt-in" permission email marketing.

Thanks to Steve Dasseos
for this gem:

  > At Wednesday, 16 May 2001, "john"
  > wrote:
  >
  > Did you request this e-mail?
  >
  > Do you know who it is from?
  >
  > If the answer is no, then you need the latest solution
  > to junk and 'spam' e-mails, the Mailbox Filter.
  >
  > A free 30 day trial of this software is available now...

To which I replied to Steve:

  "Hello, Mr. Dasseos?

  "I'm calling you in the middle of your dinner to
   tell you about our fabulous new caller-ID/Telemarketing
   Call Blocker so you never have to take calls like this
   again..."

And then, things started getting weird:

  > Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 12:01:14 +0800 (CST)
  > From:
  > To:
  > Subject: If you're looking for a bride ...
  >
  > If you're interested in finding a beautiful, compatible
  > bride, outside of the U.S. and Canada, then the
  > following free info.  will *definitely* be of great
  > interest to you:

and:

  > Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 06:44:15 -0700
  > From: "Deb"
  > To: "Great learning tool"
  > Subject: great learning tool1
  >
  > Banned in 27 countries.
  > Information the powerful elite class do NOT want
  > you to have.
  >
  > No longer available in Africa or the Middle East,
  > due to death threats and import restrictions specific
  > to this product.

Finally:

  > To:
  > From: gbaird67r65@yahoo.com
  > Subject: We are the septic tank experts

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June, 2001

First this from a newsletter I had never heard of -

At 03:44 PM 3/22/01, Info wrote:
> Mr. Sterne,
>
> I could not find your e-mail address listed in our
> database, neither did I have an entry for your name.
> Is it possible that you are getting the LTC Bullets
> at another address, or that a friend or coworker
> has forwarded them to you? I would like to assist you
> however I can in resolving this situation. Thank you
> for your patience and understanding.

Then this -

From: Avery
To: Laura D'Andrea
Subject: Great Results...
Reply-To: info@Averygreatresults.com
Organization: Avery Dennison
>
> Dear Miss Laura D'Andrea,
>
> Staying ahead in today's market requires effective
> business communications, and having access to the
> latest innovations can help your business stand out.
> Cutting edge technology can pop up in some interesting
> places... like your labels! Whether you use a Laser
> or an Ink Jet printer, Avery labels provide the
> innovation and quality

[snip]

> Sincerely,

> Raymond Yip Choy
> Consumer Marketing Manager
> Avery Dennison Office Products
>
> You are currently subscribed to Avery Dennison Canada
> as laura@targeting.com.

My reply came with the subject: The Importance of Double
Opt-In

> Dear Raymond Yip Choy -
>
> Here we have a fine example of why double opt-in is
> an important concept.
>
> Miss Laura D'Andrea decided to subscribe to your
> wonderful newsletter. Miss Laura did not, however,
> take the time to confirm that the e-mail address
> she supplied was correct. The result? The address
> ends up on my desk and I am
> left holding the unsubscribe bag. Very bad for
> building good will among the general population.
> What a shame.
>
> Please spend your precious time correcting this
> mistake, rather than put the onus on me.
>
> Thank you for your attention.
> Live and learn

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May, 2001

First there's this gem (reproduced in its entirety):

  > Delivered-To: jsterne@silcom.com
  > Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 19:46:47 -0500
  > From: nobody in particular
  >          
  > Subject: hmmm..
  >
  > hello?

Enough said.

What really got my attention was this blow to my
sensibilities:

From: "Mitchell Hellman"
To:
Subject: Unsolicited commercial e-mail
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001 13:03:46 -0500

  > Mr. Sterne:
  >
  > It has come to my attention that your organization has
  > provided one of our e-mail addresses to one or more of
  > your customers and claimed that you had secured our
  > permission to receive e-mail solicitations. The e-mail
  > address in question, , is used by the
  > Domain Name Services department of Cable & Wireless
  > USA; we provide web hosting and DNS services for
  > several thousand domains. Apparently you (or the party
  > from whom you obtained it) have obtained this address
  > by viewing the 'whois' data at Network Solutions for
  > one of the domains we serve, as this address is NEVER
  > voluntarily entered in mailing lists or used for any
  > purpose other than communication with our customers
  > and employees.
  >
  > Be advised that we do not appreciate unsolicited
  > commercial e-mail of any kind, and especially do not
  > appreciate it when our customers are similarly spammed.
  > You are requested to remove our e-mail address from any
  > and all mailing lists that you maintain, and should not
  > sell, rent, trade or otherwise provide this address to
  > any other party. Any permission that you may have
  > obtained regarding the above e-mail address, whether
  > express or implied, is hereby revoked. Any additional
  > solicitations that are traceable to your organization
  > will be turned over to our Legal Department for further
  > action.
  >
  > Mitchell Hellman - Manager, DNS and Postmaster Groups
  > Cable & Wireless USA

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but call me a
spammer and you will feel my wrath.

  > Mr. Hellman:
  >
  > I am going to assume that yours was a legitimate request,
  > and not another ploy to verify purchased e-mail addresses
  > in order to sell them at higher prices. This is not a safe
  > assumption these days, but I'm willing to take such a risk
  > in light of the harm that may befall me should I ignore
  > this attempted besmirchment of my good name.
  >
  > Your message, while giving the appearance of having been
  > drafted by a committee of lawyers, provides insufficient
  > information regarding the means with which you "traced" this
  > indiscretion to me. I am, as a result, unable to determine
  > how such a scandalous defamation might have been perpetrated
  > upon me, nor may I properly determine just how incensed to be
  > at such a scurrilous accusation.
  >
  > Should you be willing to be a bit more forthcoming, then I
  > shall not have to seek the advice of council about this slander.
  > Trust me, in my chosen profession, the mere accusation of being
  > a spam-monger has the potential of serious damage to my reputation
  > and income.
  >
  > Therefore, I eagerly await further communication in order
  > to help identify and restrain the miscreants that would
  > cause me such personal harm.
  >
  > Sincerely,
  > Jim Sterne
  > Target Marketing of Santa Barbara

At 01:07 PM 2/23/01, Mitchell Hellman wrote:
  > Mr. Sterne:
  >   >
  >   > When I'm wrong I admit it. Apparently, I was
  >   > spammed by Target Promotions & Marketing rather
  >   > than Target Marketing.

To which I replied:

  > Ah-ha! (Not to mention - Whew!)
  >
  >   > I assume that the two organizations
  >   > are unrelated.
  >
  > Correctomundo.
  >
  >   > I apologize for the confusion. Be advised that
  >   > I have not discussed this matter with any other
  >   > party, so you have no reason to fear that I have
  >   > defamed you to anyone in any way.
  >
  > No harm, no foul, no batters left on base.
  >
  >   > I received the spam from Target Promotions &
  >   > Marketing on behalf of Pioneer-Standard Electronics,
  >   > Inc. When I contacted Pioneer-Standard about it
  >   > (something I only bother to do when the solicitation
  >   > appears to be made by someone who looks legitimate
  >   > but clueless),
  >
  > (Me too - hence my overly verbose response to you.)
  >
  >   > they indicated that they had
  >   > been told by Target that the lists were clean.
  >
  > But they *told* me the gun wasn't loaded !!
  >
  >   > I recalled your organization's name from reading
  >   > "Clickz" and sent you my message as a result.
  >
  > Got it.
  >
  >   > This case of mistaken identity may prove relevant to
  >   > you, as it is quite likely that I am not the only
  >   > party who may be confusing your organization with
  >   > another. Below is the Whois info from Target
  >   > Promotions & Marketing; you may wish to approach
  >   > them regarding their practices and how it potentially
  >   > may impact your reputation.
  >
  > Should another voice, crying in the wilderness at the
  > indiscretions of others, point a blaming finger my way,
  > I will rally and have at.
  >
  >   > Again, my apologies.
  >
  > Delighted.

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March, 2001

E-mails we never finished reading:

  > Date: Thu, 22 Feb 01 10:54:39 EST
  > To: earnings@thegrid.net
  > Subject: Change your means
  > Reply-To: cinderelly29@hotmail.com
  > Comments: Authenticated sender is
  >
  > Dear Millionair,

Then there was:

  > From: "AbbayNet"
  > To:
  > Subject:  Pardon My Interuption
  > Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 20:48:57

  > <p> Hell, I hope this email does not offend you in
  > any way,
  > </p> <p> but I am writing to ell you about our new
  > we
  > site <a

Please, God, let there be a special place in Hell for
these people.

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February, 2001

Dumbest spam of the century (so far):

>  From: wow@silcom.com
>  To: <>
>  Subject: Have you ever been to Victoria, BC, Canada
>  Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001 22:02:23 -0800
>  X-Sender: wow
>  
>  This page uses frames, but your browser doesn't
>  support them.

Yes - and there's an *excellent* reason for that.

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November, 2000

   > Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 20:35:36 +0800
   > From: LI HUALIANG
   > To: jsterne@targeting.com
   > Subject:
   >
   > hello
   > I need some advertising.can you give me some?

Uh... sure, Li - Was that enough?

   > From: "Elizabeth Gonzalez"
   > To:
   > Subject: I NEED INFORMATION
   > Date: Thu, 5 Oct 2000 01:22:38 -0400
   >
   > Elizabeth's Modeling and Music Agency
   > WORLDWIDE ENTERTAINMENT MANAGEMENT
   > Elizabeth "PEPPER" Gonzalez,
   >
   > I MANAGE A PROFESSIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT
   > SOCCER TEAM. WHO DO I NEED TO CONTACT IN
   > TERMS OF SPONSORSHIP?

Mmmmm. Good question. Jesse Ventura?  O.J. Simpson?

   > THANK YOU KINDLY.

Don't mention it, "PEPPER"...  to anyone.

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October, 2000

Let's face it folks - there are some very intelligent people
out there working awfully hard trying to buy stuff online.

Unfortunately, there are the other kind of people who are
awfully trying when they want our money. Here's my favorite
spam of the month, **in its entirety** :

  > To:
  > From: jimwhy@cairomail.com
  > Subject: Easily Get the Home Equity Loan You Want Now
  > Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000 18:37:48 -1000
  >
  > PRECISE Removal instructions at END

In the same vain (misspelling intended), I am left to wonder
how this gem, from a company I admire, can weigh in at 12k?

  > Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2000 05:49:07 -0700
  > From: "MuseumCompany.com"
  > Reply-To: "MuseumCompany.com"
  > Subject: Last Chance for a Holiday in Paris!
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  >
  > This message was sent by MuseumCompany using Responsys
  > Interact. Click here if you prefer not to receive future
  > e-mail from MuseumCompany. Click here to view our
  > permission marketing policy.

But here's the corker:

  >From: "Network World"
  > To:
  > Subject: New e-mail preferences program
  > Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2000 16:48:48 -0500
  >
  > Please accept our apologies for this interruption.

That's always a bad sign.

  > We'd like to tell you about a new e-mail preferences
  > program that we have recently developed that allows you
  > to specify the types of e-mail messages you receive from
  > Network World.

Are you sitting down?

  > Although you told us that you no longer wish to receive
  > e-mail from us, we don't know what your preferences are
  > since this program was not in place when you contacted
  > us.  So we'd like to give you the opportunity to
  > participate in it.

I'm speechless.

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------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

September, 2000

Is it me, Sir? Or is there just a little more seasoning than
usual in the Spam these days?

  > Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 00:15:46 +0500
  > From: SM UZAIR UMER MOON
  > Reply-To: moon_business_empire@yahoo.com
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  > Subject: information
  >
  > Hello sir,
  >      Sir i want export quilty salt from Pakistan. Our
  > business related by salt, sir please give me your information
  > about your requirments of this proses. Sir i send you a
  > super quality salt with nice packing. Sir i will wait for
  > your reply, please sir send me your leatest information,
  > can i send you salt. Sir i am very thankful for you.
  > Rub Nawaz Insari.
  > Sargodha.
  > Pakistan.

This one gets filed in the You-Want-Me-To-What? folder:

  > Hello!
  >     We have finally finished our continuously streaming
  > video technology.  Presently we are taking broadcasts off
  > the satellite, encoding them on-the-fly and re-broadcasting
  > the programs on the Internet.

Cool enough, except that this Spam - sent to a dozen busy
journalists - asked for the moon:

  >     To see this exciting new product and view live television
  > over the Internet, simply download the following Plug-in
  > to a temp file on your C-Drive...close your Browser...go to
  > the file you just downloaded.... double-click on it to run
  > the Install Program...Then, open your Browser and go to
  > the site below to view live television.
  >
  >    This is a Free BETA Player and a preview of things to
  > come. So, please give me any bug reports.
  >
  >    Please let me know if you have any problems.  Enjoy!

Yet another plug-in? Clearly, we journalists have nothing
better to do.

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------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

August, 2000

I was curious about Toyota's new Prius - their half gas/half
electric car. So I went to www.toyota.com to check it out and
looked all over for the Test Drive button. The only thing that
came close was Request To Purchase Your Prius. I was intrigued.

After divulging the appropriate vital statistics I hit the
Submit button.

   "Thank you for your interest in our Prius!"

You're welcome I'm sure thought I, but where's the beef?
The beef showed up about ten minutes later as follows:

   From: "Toyota Prius"
   To:
   Subject: Prius Online Purchase Request Notification
  
   Thank you for submitting your purchase request for the Prius.  
   Please remember you are required to finalize the transaction
   with the dealer before the request is processed.
  
   Thank You.
  
   (Customer Information)
   Jim Sterne 1130 Arbolado Road  Santa Barbara 931032040
   805-965-3184 jsterne@targeting.com
  
   P.R.# 9937698185
  
   __________________________________
  
   * This is an automated response. Please do not reply to
    this email address.
  
Translation: Thank you for wasting your time on out Web site.
Please don't come back. And don't even *think* about sending
us an e-mail - this one didn't really come from us anyway -
it's from PeopleSupport. And don't go to
www.peoplesupport.com unless you really like a Flash music
video of words wandering all over the screen. (They know
it's a waste of time - the only two choices on the home page are
"Make it Shut Up!" or "Makes it Stop!"

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------- ------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------

June, 2000

My in-box was flooded, I was delighted to see, by FSA readers
who were responding to my poll last issue and voting about
whether I should let you know when I'll be speaking and what
I've been publishing. Here's my favorite:

   > To: YesPlease@targeting.com
   > From: Ron Walsh
   >
   > Dear Mr. Sterne:
   >
   > While I was at Internet World in LA, I happened to catch
   > several of your presentations.  I like your style and what
   > you had to say.  So yes, I don't mind the self promotion,
   > as long as I don't start getting e-mails to buy Finnish
   > herring from your site.

The final tally was 85 in favor and 13 against. Actually, it
was 12 against. *Somebody* voted twice, and you know who you are.

So, as they say on Marketwatch, let's do the numbers...

     Total votes   97   % of voters
     Yes votes     85      88%
     No  votes     12      12%

     Total Subscribers at the time: 3250  
                     % of subscribers
     Yes votes           2.62%
     No  votes           0.37%

Is 2 and a half percent a decent response rate? Who cares?
85 to 12 is enough of an indication, that I'll start letting
you know when and where I'll be, etc. However, under the
assumption that more of the non-voters would have voted "No"
I'll put that stuff at the very bottom, with a new section
called "Shameless Plug." When the 12 of you hit that spot
in your FSA's, you can be sure there's nothing else below it
and you can hit the delete key with wild abandon.
Or your index finger.

Now Ron - about those Finnish herring:
http://virtual.finland.fi/finfo/english/gasteng.html
www.redherring.com/mag/issue34/connection.html

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May, 2000

Cindy Reeves chastised me with the subject line:
"pretty sad, you know better..."

  > Agilent Technologies (formerly part of Hewlett-Packard)
  > uses e-mail aliases. So if I just send an e-mail to you
  > from my Agilent address to your unsubscribe@targeting.com
  > e-mail address, the listserv program won't recognize my
  > e-mail address as being on your list (at least, the majority
  > of listserv programs don't). I subscribed as
  > agilent.com, but my e-mail address sent via e-mail is
  > actually myaddress@am.exch.agilent.com. So I went to your
  > site, looking for the option to put in my e-mail address
  > and unsubscribe, but I couldn't.

Yes - sad. Yes - I know better. Cindy, thanks for the lashes
with the wet noodle. Another lesson for us all... You will now
find the "Unsubscribe Instructions" link right there on the
home page. Sigh.

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December, 1999

Tommy Tracker popped into my inbox and told me I don't know
squat about configuring a proper search on auction sites.
And I was glad to hear from him. It.

> Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 14:08:52 -0800
> To: jsterne@targeting.com
> From: tommy@iTrack.com (Tommy Tracker)
> Subject: Analysis of your iTrack searches
>
> Hello.
>
> I'm Tommy Tracker, the busiest member of the iTrack team.
> My job is to analyze your iTrack searches every week or so
> and suggest ways to improve them so that you have better
> and more accurate search results. Oh! I'm a robot too, so
> I'll always be around to help you with your search pattern
> tuning.
>
> I had a chance to look at yours and here's what I've noticed:
>
> I found a problem with your "antique meerschaum pipe" search
> on Amazon.com Auctions: Amazon.com Auctions doesn't
> understand double quotes: I suggest you eliminate them.

Tommy found multi-word search pattern problems, default
separator problems, and a host of other things I could
learn more about by heading over to www.iTrack.com
where Tommy constantly searches the auctions for me so
I have more time to do stuff like catch airplanes...

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November, 1999

Here's a wonderful lesson in how not to sell yourself...

   From: "Steve Mich"
   To:
   Subject:
   Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 19:54:48 -0000

   Dear Sir/Madam,

   I am a freelance designer in Maromedia Flash 4.

   If you have any need for this work please let me know
   as I am looking  for a good company who would
   benefit from the use of flash 4.
   You can also use my services for your own clients.

   If I could be of interest to you please visit my site.
                ***
   www.eurostreem.co.uk     If problems with this
   address please try the URL below (mrk 1)

   http://business.virgin.net/eurostreem.uk/  (mrk 1)

   http://freespace.virgin.net/eurosystems.uk

   Please be patient as the server can be a little slow !
   Please note that this is only a sample site only.
   Hope to hear from you soon
   Best Regards

Don't strain yourself keeping your hopes up, Steve.

Not exactly Web-related, but in my in-box and worth repeating:

   Call 1 800 578 7453 at your earliest convenience.
   It's the customer service line for Brown & Williamson,
   the tobacco company. The initial recording is unbelievable.

Enough said.

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October, 1999

In a recent UIEtips newsletter (www.uie.com), usability
testing professional Jared Spool described the results
of a year spent watching users with the assistance of
an ASL Eye-Tracker -- a device that lets us determine,
to the pixel, exactly where the user is gazing when
looking at the screen."

Summarizing his results, Jared discovered:

People quickly learn where there's information and where
there are only ads. They look for the information.

Jim's comment: Don't try to demonstrate the distinction
of your brand by putting your menus in an "interesting
place." Keep it easy for site visitors to find the information
they want.

The UIE team cut a Web page up into six viewing areas
labeled:

>   Center Area
>   Left Panel,
>   Right Column
>   Browser Button Bar
>   Search Engine Block
>   Study Area.

Here are some quotes:

>   When deciding which link to click, users typically
>   looked first in the center area, then in the left
>   panel, then in the right column... Users were more  
>   likely to investigate areas outside the Center Area  
>   when they spent more time searching for the correct  
>   link, or when they visited the page for the second  
>   or third time in a task.
>   All the users spent the same proportion of time looking  
>   at each area.
>
>   At first, the new user scanned pages from left to  
>   right, as if reading a book. But he quickly changed  
>   to the center-left-right sequence.
>
>   Users Don't Go to the Bottom. Users rarely looked  
>   at what we called the Study Area just above the  
>   browser's status line.
>
>   Bright colors and animation attract users' eyes.  
>   This is not a new finding, but it is interesting to  
>   actually see it happen. The gaze flicks to the animation,  
>   dwells for an instant, and then returns to content.
>
>   Eye gaze often stopped at the borders around ads  
>   (the bottom of ads at the top of the page and the  
>   top of those near the bottom). To users, these lines  
>   apparently indicate content that is unimportant to  
>   their task.
>
>   Ads apparently attracted users only when they related  
>   to the current task (even if the content interested  
>   users but was irrelevant to the task).
>

User Interface Engineering makes a living out of consulting
and giving seminars. If Web design is high on your list,
check them out at www.uie.com.

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July, 1999

This month my e-mail in-box has a fax in it. It's easy, it's
free and it's very useful for those of us on the road a lot,
or using the fax line to dial-up to the Internet all day long.
www.efax.com

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June, 1999

I was heading to the Houston airport when I saw a billboard
depicting the face of a classic male model along with the
words, "robert@cKone.com." That was it.

So, over come with curiosity, I sent a message:

   Hi Robert --

   I'm an Internet marketing consultant and a writer for
   various Internet-related magazines. I was giving a lecture
   to the Houston Business Marketing Association on Thursday
   and saw your billboard on the way back to the airport.

   I'd like to interview the person/people who dreamed up
   this campaign, find out what the motivation was and
   what the response has been so far.

   Whom should I talk to?

I never did hear from a human. Instead, I was added to Robert's
mailing list. Every two weeks or so, I get a message from Robert.
They are chatty, personal, and follow along as Robert finds his
way in the world. They are not deep. They are not revelatory,
they simply keep one up to date. Things like this:

   Slowly but surely, this city is starting to get inside my
   blood. I've never been a tremendous fan of Paris for the
   simple fact that, in previous visits, I've invariably
   found myself thrust into the role of the gauche tourist.
   But Erika's been great. She's been showing me all the
   hidden-away restaurants and dive bars that the locals
   would rather keep to themselves.

   Truth be told, I'm actually starting to feel a tad guilty
   about enjoying myself so thoroughly. Patti is still livid,
   so I've been putting off calling her. I did manage to speak
   with Tia the other day and was surprised to find she's also
   furious with me. Apparently, she had been expecting a call
   to discuss the producing gig. I simply had no idea. To make
   matters worse, her father's taken ill. Rest assured, I was
   suitably penitent.

   In any case, the city lights are beckoning. And so, au revoir.

   R.

   If you'd rather not hear from me again, title your reply
   "get lost" and I most certainly will.

And this:

   Comment ca va? Paris is -- how you say? -- magnifique.
   Met a stunning mademoiselle yesterday. Actually, she's
   British but who's counting? I am all agog. Nevertheless,
   nothing scandalous to report.

   Yet.

   R.

   If you'd rather not hear from me again, title your reply
   "get lost" and I most certainly will.

Simply the ramblings of a hunk on a billboard.

Will this sell more CK One scent for men? You betcha it will.
I'm sure there are thousands of girls and women all over the
US (the world?) who are buying bottles for their boyfriends
in hopes of turning them into Robert. Or at least smelling like
him. Thousands of young buffs are shelling out hard cash so that
they can pretend to be a screen-writing photographer on permanent vacation in Paris.

Now that's what I call branding.

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May, 1999

My in-box got a big surprise this month. I received a
RadicalMail.

OK, OK, so Mark Gibbs from Network World sent me a way-cool
e-mail with the subject "I've been thinking..." using HTML,
with a dark blue background and an animated gif of himself
rubbing his chin in that pondering way. That made me smile
and nod in recognition of his new-found plethora of spare time.
Does the man never sleep?

But the RadicalMail I got made me sit up and imitate Sparky --
the dog that looks into the gramophone listening to His Master's
Voice.

In a nutshell, RadicalMail (www.radicalmail.com) is a
service that streams multimedia into an e-mail with no plug-ins.
The results are all-singing, all-dancing e-mails.

Dedicated to an opt-in-only model, this company makes it possible
to send a 2k e-mail message that reaches out to the server when
it's opened and streams whatever you choose.

It's very easy to drop a link into an e-mail and ask people to
click on it to go to a Web site. But this simply hits you
between the eyes.

Want to know when your favorite manufacturer comes up with a
new laptop? Want to know when the video store has a special
on Saving Private Ryan? Open the e-mail and see a mini commercial.

Now comes the part that makes my little marketer's heart sing:
Everything is trackable. They know how many e-mails they sent
out. They can know how many were opened. They know how
many were forwarded. The mail can include HTML forms
so they know if people clicked for more info, and how many
made the purchase - all from inside the e-mail client.

Not good for non-Americans who don't stay online to read their
mail? All in good time.

I wrote RadicalMail a note about giving e-mail the branding power
of television and they put me in their brochure. How interactive
can you get??

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March, 1999

This month, my inbox overfloweth. I swear the level of
online idiocity increases palpably with every million
people who decide to e-cash in.

For your consideration, I give you the following Spam,
reproduced in its entirety, and with no names changed to
protect the brainless:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: remove@intlmktg.cx
Delivered-To: intlmktg-maillist@intlmktg.cx
Date: 23 Feb 1999 05:28:07 -0000
To: remove@intlmktg.cx
Subject: UCE...

You are receiving this email because your address is on
an available mailing list. If you do not wish to receive
commercial emails from our organization or any of our
affiliate members... please reply to this email with the
word "remove" in the subject and it will be removed from
all our lists.

Note that this is not an attempt to get you on a list,
but rather to get you off one.

Answers to your concerns about asking to be removed from
list:

1) You are not trying to remove me from any list but are
just trying to see if my email address is active.  

Answer: Since you are reading this email it means your
address is valid. In the past it was necessary to get a
response from you to verify that your address was active.
Using automated mailing software today that is no longer
necessary.

2) By requesting to be removed from this list I will just
be made part of another list that you will sell and I
will receive even more mail.

Answer: Again in the past this was an unfortunate practice
used by many as a way to generate revenue. However, it
is not ours. Our remove lists are not sold to anyone.

3) Requesting to be removed from your list will not
stop me from getting more mail from other parties.

Answer: You are right. We can only promise that you will
not receive any mail from within our organization. We are
part of a group that has been trying to establish a true
global remove list, which would be available to all mailers.
Until that becomes a reality then we can only control
the mail that originates with us.

4) Even if i request removal I will still receive mail
from you at other email addresses I have or my children
will receive it at their address.

Answer: To have additional addresses added to the remove
list add them to the body of your reply remove request.
Please enter full address and only one address per line.

Example:
john@aol.com
billsplace@att.worldnet.net

This is our attempt to get you off our lists. It will only
work with your help

___________________________________________________________
This Message was Composed using Extractor Pro '98 Bulk E-
Mail Software. If you wish to be removed from this advertiser's
future mailings, please reply with the subject "Remove" and
this software will automatically block you from their future
mailings.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And while I was shaking my head in wonder, along came a
message that made me LOL.

I will be the first to admit that I use the Laugh Out Loud
abbreviation when I haven't actually let out an audible
expression of mirth. Usually, I just want to get across
the feeling that I *might* have laughed out loud had the
teller of the story (or the sharer of the joke) been in
the room, if only out of social grace. But the last line
of the following woke up my dog, Puck, when I actually
*did* LOL:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ml097h@irisa.fr
To:
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 16:58:04

If I could show you how to earn an additional
$100,000 - $500,000 a year doing absolutley
nothing with NO RISK of losing a dime
would I have your attention?


Click Here  to see exactly what I mean.

http://members.tripod.com/successishere/

P.S. You won't waste your time on this!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Truer words were never Spammed.

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January, 1999

Be careful what you say in an e-mail. Never write anything
you wouldn't want to show up in front of the DoJ.

When asking for consulting help, one very recognizable,
very large company put their statement of need this way:

     >My conservative (its email - you can quote me here)
     >opinion of our internet site  - online at www.***.com -
     >is that it presents an opportunity for vast improvement
     >in terms of the value that it delivers to our firm's
     >current and potential clients, customers, partners
     >and employees.

I hereby bestow an award for Most Carefully Worded Way
of Saying 'Our Site Sucks' in a Corporate Environment.

Here's a special cut-and-paste-to-the-outside-or-your-
cubicle-wall-next-to-Dilbert, exclusively from Full Sterne
Ahead:

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November, 1998

People have this habit of sending me stuff because they
think I'll be interested. The vast majority is stuff
they assume will be of interest to millions of others
on the e-mail list they bought. But sometimes what I
get is beyond belief.

I received a newsletter I vaguely remembered signing
up for. It was huge -- at first I thought it was an
attachment of something like the computer-smashing
video or the 'two years of data lost' tech support phone
call. Nope... just text.

It might have been of value to lots of other people, but
I decided it wasn't for me. The first issue said there
would be three more coming. I didn't want them, so I
thought I'd simply unsubscribe.

After reading the entire document *and* the associated
Web site, I wrote the following:

   Greetings boys and girls!
   Today's lesson is brought to you by the letter "U".

   That's "U" as in "Unsubscribe".
   ...
   Yes, I'd like to unsubscribe from your newsletter.
   But gosh, boys and girls, there don't seem to be
   any instructions on how to do that anywhere in your
   entire **93k** message.

   A quick review of netiquette tells us that all good
   netizens who send out subscription messages, should
   include ways for people to get off the list. That way
   they won't be forced to receive large, fluffy files
   when, say, dialing in at hotel rates while traveling
   in New Delhi.

   OK, now -boys and girls. Everybody who understands this
   little bit of Internet culture, raise your hands!

   Oh that's *very* good! All the other children will be
   so happy.

   Thank you for your attention and for not sending
   anything else to my e-mail box ever again.
   ...
   The above message was brought to you by letter "U".

Snide? You bet -- sometimes I just feel that way.
Imagine my surprise when I actually got a reply:

     You have been taken off our list.

     One of our sales reps called and you OK'd our
     sending these newsletters on a trial basis.
     He then called you 4 times to see if you were
     interested in subscribing.

This was true. He left four voice-mails asking me
for money. So much for a "free trial".

     Over 40,000 executives in the computer industry
     pay to get our newsletters. Obviously you do not
     want to be included. A return phone call or e-mail
     reply would have ended this trial which you had
     agreed to and saved you a lot of energy.

     We hope that you may change your opinion in the future.

After staring open-mouthed at my screen for a few
minutes, I could only respond:

   And which part of...

    "Thank you for your attention and for not sending
    anything else to my e-mail box ever again."

   ...did you not understand?

Two weeks later, I got the second issue.

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October, 1998

People have this habit of sending me stuff because they
think I'll be interested. The vast majority is stuff that
they assume will be of interest to the millions of others
on the e-mail list they bought, but the gems are right
on the mark and well worth sharing.

For instance, Billie Greenwald sent the following
after reading an article of mine on the CIO Web site.
It was called Flash is Trash and griped
about overloading site with overwhelming technology.
I put this one immediately into the
irony bin.

  To: jsterne@targeting.com
  Subject: Observation
  Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 09:20:37 -0700

  Great article. As a technical writer, I have spent a good portion
  of my time explaining to my clients and business partners the
  concepts you presented in the article. One observation I need
  to call your attention to: the flashing ad at the top of the page
  is really distracting! While I am trying to focus on the content,
  I have to struggle not to look at this constant movement.

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