When Will They Ever Learn?

From Full Sterne Ahead

February, 2002
November, 2001
October, 2001
September, 2001
August, 2001
June, 2001
May, 2001
March, 2001
February, 2001
November, 2000
October, 2000
September, 2000
August, 2000
June, 2000
May, 2000
February, 2000
December, 1999
November, 1999
October, 1999
July, 1999
May, 1999
March, 1999
January, 1999
December, 1998
November, 1998
December, 1998

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November, 2001

  > Subject: RE: Full Sterne Ahead for September, 2001
  > Date: Wed, 3 Oct 2001 14:24:52 -0600
  > From: "Dan Murray"
  > To:
  >
  > Jim,
  > Nice issue, as always. Thanks for including me.

Dan ran into some trouble after registering for a "Future
of E-Business" webinar hosted by Teradata, the data
warehouse division of NCR. They kept sending registration
info to an old address.

  > Interestingly, today I got an apology letter from
  > the VP of Sales of Fulfillment America about the
  > incorrectly addressed personalized card.
  >
  > Amazingly (or not, maybe), the letter was STILL
  > sent to the old (& incorrect) company name and old
  > (& incorrect) address that they had on file for me
  > and used for their initial direct mail solicitation.
  > I guess they'll never learn.
  >
  > Dan Murray Persona, Inc.
  > dmurray@persona.com http://www.persona.com

You can almost hear Pete Seeger in the background.

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October, 2001

I often read my email offline. With DSL in the office
and a cable modem at home, how can this happen?

Airplanes.

So at 35,000 feet, I read a spam from Macy's which consists
of four large, blank graphics and tiny, unreadable gray
text on a white background.

The reply header said: Reply-To: "macys.com"

Who's chtah.com? An email collection company? I decided
to go right to the offending party. At the Macy's website
I found a feedback form, so I wrote:

  > I don't remember signing up for e-mail from you.
  > And yet, the people at chtah.com felt it was perfectly
  > reasonable to send me a spam in your name.
  >  
  > How *did* you get my name for this mailing?
  > I'll bet you don't know...

Later that day:

  > Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2001 11:15:10 -0400
  > To:
  > Subject: Macy's.com Acknowledgement (KMM2645217V6865L0KM)
  > From: macysmaildesk
  >  
  > Thank you for contacting Macys.com. An Internet
  > Customer Service Representative will research your
  > inquiry and respond to you shortly.
  >
  > Sincerely,
  > Macys.com Internet Staff

>From fds.com? Yes, I know that Federated Department
Stores owns Macy's, but does everybody? Could it be
that Macy's doesn't understand branding?

Two days later, I got another spam full of unreadable
graphics, so I wrote again - this time, I was careful
to include the reference number from their previous
automated reply:

  > Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 08:10:28 -0700
  > To: macysmaildesk
  > From: Jim Sterne
  > Subject: Macy's.com Acknowledgement  (KMM2645217V6865L0KM)
  >
  >   > At 08:15 AM 8/21/01, macysmaildesk wrote:
  >   > Thank you for contacting Macys.com.  An Internet
  >   > Customer Service Representative will research
  >   > your inquiry and respond to you shortly.
  >
  > Perhaps, but not shortly enough.
  > You see, while I've been patiently waiting for an
  > Internet Customer Service Representative to get
  > around to deeming my issue interesting enough
  > to answer (see below) - it's happened again!

Then I included all pertinent info, assuming the human
who ended up with this missive, would not have seen the
previous one. I was close:

  > Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 11:30:53 -0400
  > To: Jim Sterne
  > Subject: Re: Privacy Master (KMM2667945V80598L0KM)
  > From: macysmaildesk
  >
  > Dear Jim Sterne,
  > Thank you for your recent e-mail. We appreciate you
    ...[snip]...
  > We obtained your name because our records show that
  > you are a current customer within the Federated
  > Department Stores family, which includes such
  > fine stores as: Bloomingdale's, Richs, Lazarus,
  > Goldsmith's, The Bon Marche, Burdines and Macy*s.
  > You may also have shopped at weddingchannel.com.
    ...[snip]...
  > the easiest way to accomplish this is to use the
  > opt-out link that is inserted in the body of the
  > email message we sent to you.
  >
  > It's the phrase that begins, "If you do not want
  > to receive additional e-mail..." However, we will
  > consider the e-mail message you have sent to us a
  > request to remove you from our list, and no further
  > action will be necessary on your part. Your request
  > will be processed promptly.

My response:

  > Don't you find it a little unsettling that I have
  > never given email permission to Bloomingdale's,
  > Richs, Lazarus, Goldsmith's, The Bon Marche, Burdines
  > or Macy*s, and have never shopped at weddingchannel.com?

They came back with:

  > To: Jim Sterne
  > Subject: Macy's.com Acknowledgement (KMM2668049V82088L0KM)
  > From: macysmaildesk
  > Reply-To: macysmaildesk
  > X-Mailer: Kana 6.0
  >
  > Thank you for contacting Macys.com.  An Internet
  > Customer Service Representative will research your
  > inquiry and respond to you shortly.

My retort:

  > Doesn't it bother you just a little that with all
  > the money you've spent buying and implementing
  > Kana 6.0 and training your people on how to use it,
  > it can't tell when it should stop sending
  > these little gems?
  >
  > Doesn't (KMM2668049V82088L0KM) tell it that this
  > is an on-going discussion and a canned response
  > like this is much more annoying than not?

I received:

  > Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 08:29:51 -0000
  > From: "macys.com"
  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  > Subject: New Reductions! Save 50-65%
  > Reply-To: "macys.com"   > aj7u1pka3s41jsbrz45pkbyt05kvku@adm.chtah.com>

...Along with an stunningly rendered offer for underwear
and luggage.

I wrote to them of my dismay and received another Kana
classic:

  > Thank you for contacting Macys.com. An Internet
  > Customer Service Representative will research your
  > inquiry and respond to you shortly.

... Along with a brand new serial number.

>My only response at that point was:

  > Sheesh!

And you know what? It seems to have worked!
So far...

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September, 2001

Loren Williams made a horrible mistake. He asked for the
price and availability of a soup bowl from Replacements.com.
Silly man.

> Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2001 9:36 AM
> Subject: Price and Availability on Lenox Liberty soup
> bowls
>
> Do you have 12-13 Lenox Libery 9" soup bowls?
> What is your price?
> How much is shipping to Chicago, IL. (economy is
> fine.)

Replacements.com wasn't about to let him get away
with it:

> From: inquiremail
> To: 'Loren Williams'
> Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 22:56:26 -0400
>
> Thank you for contacting Replacements, Ltd. We will
> need your full name, complete mailing address and/or
> customer number in order to send a list of the
> available pieces in your pattern.

And bring a note from your mother as well!
Loren, we hope you've learned your lesson.

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August, 2001

Those who saw me give presentations in the 90's know
that I liked to go after Volvo tooth and nail for their
lame e-mail management - emphasis on the past tense. You
also know that I have *no* patience for Southwest Airlines.
To see why, take a look at the paragraph at the very
bottom of http://www.southwest.com/help/luvbook.html
"luvbook.html" ??

Janet Kalbhen from www.electronicpublisher.net survived
more than one of my presentations at a recent Internet
World (thanks again for watching my laptop while I had
to leave the room for a moment, Janet) and she was kind
enough to point out the complete lack of an e-mail
address at: http://www.lays.com/contact.html

But then she sent me this bit, rivaling Southwest, which
she found at http://www.traderjoes.com/tj/signup

  > Here at Trader Joe's, we know to stick to what we do
  > best -- give our customers great value on everything
  > from the unique to the basic grocery items. We keep
  > our costs low so we can pass the savings along to you.
  > We avoid items that drive up our overhead costs.
  > One of those dreaded items is ... (silence, please)
  > email. (gasp) You've been enthusiastically e-mailing
  > us. The catch? We'd need to hire a new staff to keep
  > up with your e-mail response, resulting in increased
  > prices to you (vicious cycle, yes?)! So, from here
  > on out, we're going to focus on bringing in great
  > new products and keeping our existing products great
  > values for you.
  >
  > E-mail has been unfortunately but respectfully
  > discontinued. Please don't misunderstand. We love
  > hearing from our customers. And the best source of
  > Trader Joe's information is as close as your nearest
  > Trader Joe's store. Our Crew members are a
  > knowledgeable bunch. If they don't have answers for
  > you immediately, they'll find someone to get an
  > answer for you!

Oh, and parking lots? Unneeded overhead. And those shopping
carts with wheels? Forget it.

To top off the Never Learn section, I called my firewall
company with a major problem and a recording told me they
have no telephone support. None. The recording suggested
their Web site or e-mail. Not very helpful when your firewall
doesn't let you access the Web or your e-mail, eh?

Sheesh.

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June, 2001

If you've been in direct marketing (junk mail) for more
that ten minutes, you've come across the idea of an opt-
out database.

Here's a conversation I had trying to explain the
absurdity of that idea as applied to e-mail with
Internet World Magazine of all people:
www.targeting.com/iwSpam.html

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May, 2001

At 01:17 PM 3/19/01, iGO wrote:
  > As a valuable customer, we are seeking your permission
  > and the privilege to serve you as efficiently as
  > possible via e-mail.  

To which I replied:

  > And what made you think that spam was the best way
  > to ask me if I wanted to receive unsolicited,
  > commercial e-mail??

To which they replied:

  > Thank you for e-mailing us here at iGo.com!  
  >
  > Due to unusually high e-mail volume the response
  > to your question may be delayed by up to 72 hours.  
  > For more immediate response, please contact us by
  > phone at 800.228.8374.  Thank you for your patience!

We're now at something like twelve hundred hours and
counting...

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March, 2001


  > Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 18:16:32 -0000
  > From: MediaMap
  > Subject: 2001 Editorial Calendar Story Opportunities
  > To:
  >
  > MediaMap has reached an important milestone in
  > our editorial calendar tracking and analysis and
  > thought you would be interested in our research
  > findings.  > microsoft-com:office:office" />

I replied:

  > And what made you think that spamming me with
  > bad technology was the right way to let me know?

Haven't heard back from them...

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-----------------
Also -

On Mon, 26 Feb 2001, Phil Smith III wrote:

  > So I send a crank note to Cox because a note I sent
  > myself from home took
  > *13 hours* to get here.  And the note bounces because
  > of a Host Not Found at their end.
  >
  > -----Original Message-----
  > >    ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -
  > >
  > >    (reason: 550 Host unknown)

At 08:09 AM 2/26/01, Gabe Goldberg wrote:

  > Maybe Cox should get an AOL account for customer support...

Sometimes I actually *do* laugh out loud.

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February, 2001

One would expect the Alumni Association of the University
of California at Santa Barbara to be a touch more savvy
about the Internet than most. UCSB was, after all, one of
the first four nodes on the original Darpanet (five points
to those who can name the other three).

So I was somewhat annoyed to receive a spam from them that
began:

  > To: jsterne@targeting.com
  > Subject: UCSB Alumni Association LACMA Event
  > From: "University of California at Santa Barbara
  > Alumni Association"@silcom.com, info@ucsbalum.com
  > Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 07:12:58 -0800
  > Reply-To: "University of California at Santa Barbara
  > Alumni Association"@silcom.com, info@ucsbalum.com
  > Sender: bounce@ucsbalum.com
  >
  > Dear James,
  >
  > As a member of the UCSB Alumni Association, you are
  > entitled to many wonderful benefits.

The rest went on for pages, but that was enough for me
to reply with:

   Including the benefit of not being Spammed?
   Remove me from your list at once.

Their reply? Well, "University of California at Santa Barbara
Alumni Association"@silcom.com was a mis-formed address and
bounced, of course, but so did the other one:

  > : host
  > inbound.ucsbalum.com.criticalpath.net[209.228.12.204]
  > said: 550 User unknown

It seems they manage to annoy me every time they contact
me. And they wonder why I am not willing to open my
wallet to show my support. I hereby sentence Jean King,
Membership Marketing and Family Vacation Center UCSB
Alumni Association (who signed this disaster) to two
semesters of Marketing 101.
------- -------
Brent Overman at POSDATA, Inc. sent me his latest
annoyance. It seems that imark@attendeereply.net had
sent Brent a message about what an important customer
he was:

  > Because we are concerned with your privacy issues
  > regarding e-mail marketing, it is important that we
  > receive your permission to send you e-mail transmissions
  > from our exhibitor and partner companies.  

Translation: We're spamming you to get your permission
to spam you.

  > We will ensure that any information you receive via
  > e-mail will be reviewed so that it is relevant to
  > you as a technology market professional.

Translation: If you unsubscribe we won't be able to sell
your name to the next guy.

  > Please be assured that the e-mail communication you
  > receive will be coming from Imark Communications ITEC/
  > TechShowcase, and that at any time you will have the
  > option to unsubscribe.  

As opposed to this message, which was shoved down your
throat will you or nill you.

  > Imark Communications will control the e-mail broadcasts
  > completely through its authorized and secure service
  > bureau, and at no time will your e-mail address be
  > released to any third party company.

Fingers crossed, breath held.

  > If you would like to receive relevant information
  > from our exhibitors and business partners, you do
  > not have to respond to this e-mail.
  >
  > However, if you would not like to receive these e-mail
  > messages,

Classic opt-out cop-out.

  > please go to [URL including an id code] to be instantly
  > removed from this e-mail list -OR- reply to this e-mail
  > with the word REMOVE in the subject line.

Says Brent, "When I clicked on the link to be removed, this
is the message I was given:"

  > Automated Mailing List Opt Out Form
  > The Email Address sferro@ccgroupnet.com
  > was found and removed from the mailing list.
  >
  > Thank you for your time.

End of story? Not quite says Brent, "The problem is -
that is not my email address!"

Ouch.

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November, 2000

David Newton-Dines was mad as Hell and he wasn't going to take it anymore. So he wrote to me about it:

   > Thought you might like to include this as a great
   > example of how to keep customers - NOT!

Seems he went shopping at the Black and Decker Web site and
was flummoxed by the UK price for a desired item. So he wrote
to tell *them* about it:

   > I have been quoted a price of over $150 here in the UK
   > for a 13.2v Univolt battery. This in itself is bad enough
   > but I'm told they are not available despite still being
   > listed. By the way, this information came from someone
   > you list as a distributor but actually not longer stocks
   > your products because, "they are too expensive..."
   >
   > Where can I buy one in the USA at a price I can afford?
   >
   > Oddly enough, my business is measuring how it FEELS to be
   > a customer of an organisation. I can tell you, right now
   > it FEELS pretty awful.
   >
   > The goods news is that it will make a great anecdote for
   > when I'm talking to my clients at seminars.

Or lending more content to yours truly...

   > If you guys really don't care, just say so and I'll
   > simply dump my B&D tools and buy new ones... from Bosch.

So they wrote him back:

   > Another alternative would be to contact one of the many
   > mail order tool companies such as

[free advertising snipped]

   > or your favorite mail order tool company to place an order.
   >
   > Thank you.

David puts the frosting on the cake:

   > Not a single one of the sites they list even have Black
   > and Decker listed... Lastly please note the abject apology -
   > NOT.
   > USA service with a smile!

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October, 2000

Sue Bird wrote from Aberdeen, Scotland about an Internet
conference in Glasgow she signed up for online.

   > I registered on-line and duly received my email
   > confirmation & was told to expect  my entry tickets
   > etc within a few days.  The day before I was due to
   > drive down to the exhibition I phoned to see what had
   > happened to my tickets.  They had no record of my
   > registering!
   >
   > I decided not to go.

Smart move, Sue! I've heard stories from people who have
booked hotel rooms, bought plane tickets, ordered computers
and the same thing happened: dropped right through the cracks.

Arrrrrgh!

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September, 2000

After a long round of surfing the Toshiba Web site, marketing
consultant and eBusiness authority Kristin Zhivago sent an
e-mail asking about the availability of the Libretto or
something similar. Their reply was - skimpy -

  > To: kristin@zhivago.com
  >
  > We appreciate your email and the opportunity to assist
  > you with your request to purchase Toshiba computer products.
  >
  > Toshiba America now offers it's consumers the opportunity
  > to shop online. Please visit the link below to purchase
  > Toshiba products.
  >
  >Go to www.shoptoshiba.com

This was followed by helpful instructions on how to use the
online "cart" targeted at the mental acuity of a three year
old. Kristin wrote to me:

  > I hereby submit this Toshiba response to my initial
  > question to your "Sterne Hall of Shame."
  >
  > Disgusting.
  >
  > Of course, I already KNEW I could shop for a laptop at
  > the Toshiba site, and had gone through the whole thing
  > looking for a 'puter that would solve the problem I
  > described in my note to Toshiba. Not to mention they
  > misspelled "its," one of my pet peeves. But I could have
  > forgiven that if they'd actually responded to my question
  > instead of treating me like an idiot and sending me back
  > to their site so I could NOT FIND the computer I wanted...
  > AGAIN. I suppose I could send another email saying,
  > PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME,
  > fully expecting to get another automated response.
  >
  > One to one, my foot.   ]

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August, 2000

Bristol-Myers Squibb is not a small company by any means. They
make Clairol and Excedrin for starters. So why then, had they
not assigned anybody to keep an eye on their home page at
www.bms.com?

I went there one afternoon and found - well - nothing. There
was a white page. No text, no graphics. Nothing. But that
wasn't all - the page continued to reload, over and over and
over again.

Curiosity took over and I viewed the source. There was the
code to turn the page white - and there was the code to
redirect the surfer to the same page - and there was ...
nothing else there.

I immediately sent a message to webmaster@bms.com alerting themto the problem. (Yes, I *do* report leaking fire hydrants,
how did you know?) I received this reply:

   Your message cannot be delivered to the following recipients:

     Recipient address: webmaster@bms.com
     Reason: Not found in directory

[sigh]

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June, 2000

FreeDrive let's you store your files on their servers - for free.
Well, almost free. Kelli Covey from Fry Multimedia found out
the hard way. Kelli wrote:

   > Hi Jim,
   > Just received this unsolicited email from a MP3 site that
   > I use occasionally.  I decided to unsubscribe, and was
   > surprised to see the caveat at the bottom.  Have you seen
   > this before?   I thought I was sick to death of hearing
   > about permission marketing, but then I see this, and I
   > remember why it's not so bad.

   > > If you wish to be removed from this list please read the
   > > following: We can remove you from the email list, however
   > > it is tied to the functionality of the Freedrive that you
   > > set up.  We use this weekly mailing to alert FreeDrivers
   > > of changes.  We would have to delete your FreeDrive to
   > > take you off the list. If you no longer want your
   > > FreeDrive simply login to your FreeDrive, go to the
   > > Admin folder, and select the delete feature.

Read our spam or we'll delete your files! Somebody needs to
work on their relationship management techniques.
----
Kate Levy (with one of the more interesting domain names I've
seen) had a problem with clothier Talbots. She sent them an
e-mail - and got no response. So she went to their site and
filed a grievance. The response was, well, short sighted:

   > From: Brian.Langton@talbots.com
   > Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2000 10:43 AM
   > To: kate.levy@intelsat.int
   > Subject: Email inquiry
   >
   > Dear Ms. Levy:
   >
   > Thank you for visiting our website and letting
   > us know that you have not received a response to
   > your email.  Please accept our apologies for
   > any inconvenience you have been caused.
   >
   > I want you to know that I would be happy to assist
   > you.  Please feel free to email me your inquiry
   > and I will respond to your concerns as soon as I
   > hear from you.
   >
   > Thank you again for contacting us, Ms. Levy.
   >
   > Sincerely,
   > Brian Langton
   > Customer Service

Translation: "Thank you for taking the time and trouble to send
us notification of your problem. Now, please, send it again."
Cordial, polite, and missing the mark by a mile.
----
Next up is an e-mail I sent in desperation in response to a
voice mail I received:

  Subject: Please pass this along to Paul Querco? Creevo?  Cuervo? -

  Hi Paul -

  I got your voice mail, but I wrote down 4994
  as your extension instead of 4944. Numeric dyslexia,
  what can I tell you? As a result, five phone calls
  netted me two people who didn't know you and didn't
  know how to transfer me to an operator, a recording
  that repeated your technical support number, and a
  conference room that was full of people discussing
  things in aggravated tones. They had also never heard
  of you and transferred me to another recording that
  told me of the fabulous benefits of your product, but
  was sorry all of the sales representatives were busy
  and would I like to leave a message?

  After hanging up this single-line phone so I could
  log onto the Web and look up the main number, and
  having dialed back using a hand-held tone generator
  because my Berlin hotel phone couldn't manage tone
  dialing, I was handed off into a voice mail directory
  that also didn't know your name (and/or I didn't know
  how to spell it. Determined, I re-dialed your 888 number
  and was delivered to a residential wrong number.

  Now, with my determination redoubled, I went
  back to the Web to get your regular number and
  gave *that* a shot. Imagine my surprise when an
  actual human answered!! After questioning my
  pronunciation and the spelling of your name, she
  hesitated, using that disturbing "Hmmmmmm" sound
  my dentist makes when reviewing my X-Rays and
  transferred me to a phone with a voice-mail message
  that said, "The person at this extension is not
  available." Having no confidence that it was
  actually your phone, I am writing to you as well.

  Voice mail consulting is a little out of my league,
  but I think your company can immediately increase
  sales with a very minor amount of attention paid
  to your telephonic communications.

  So... how about sending me an e-mail instead?

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May, 2000

So many mistakes, so little time....

1. Water Lizards

This one was so good, I forwarded it to Mark Gibbs who already
published it in his wonderful "Backspin" column in Network World
magazine. If you've already read it there, I promise it's worth
a repeat performance.

Kent Davis ("Interactive robots for
marketing & entertainment" - catchy) wrote to me last month
about my mention of "M-Commerce" domains being snapped up:

  > I spent 5 years in Thailand and learned to speak,
  > read and write fluent Thai along the way (and I
  > wasn't in a Thai prison, despite what you may have
  > heard).  Starting just last year, I noticed people begin
  > buying Thai-related domains like crazy.  One trend was to
  > buy "e" and "i" names (eThailand, iThailand, eThai, iThai,
  > etc.).
  >
  > Many of these were bought by foreigners who (evidently)
  > don't speak Thai (and many were bought by Thais caught
  > up in the fever).  What's interesting is that in the spoken
  > Thai language, the "eee" sound *clearly* means "bitch."  
  > Actually, it's _much_ more insulting than just "bitch."  
  > It's actually the term for a female animal and if used
  > referring to a *human* female - well somebody's gonna get
  > physically hurt. It's incredibly rude.
  >
  > It is about the *only* name you can call a Thai person
  > that would get them madder than calling them a "water lizard."
  > Wow!
  >
  > Oh.  The "i" sound?  It means "bastard."
  >
  > Naturally both "iThailand" and "eThailand" are on-line.

2. Don't Call Us We Won't Call You

Ralph Wilson (www.wilsonweb.com) sent me this, which was sent to him by Chris Bain, photography director at Barnes & Noble
Publishing, who was quoting an e-mail he got from ATI Technical
Support (www.ati.com) Still with me?

  > Thank you for contacting ATI Technical Support. This is an
  > AUTOMATIC RESPONSE which confirms that your email
  > has been
  > received at our server. Please do not reply to this message.
  >
  > We are currently experiencing a delay of approximately 13-14
  > days in responding to incoming emails.  Rest assured that
  > someone will respond to your email as soon as possible.  
  > We apologize for any inconvenience this delay may cause.

Imagine all the packets they could save by simply saying, "Don't
call us and we'll be happy to ignore you."

3. Maybe They *Should* Determine Who Gets Those Domains.

Of the innumerable spams I received this past month this one
takes the cake:

  > May 01, 2000
  >
  > Dear Direct Marketing Professional,
  >
  > Join OPT-IN INC for our 1st annual. Invitation only, FUN IN
  > THE SUN Direct Internet Marketing Conference...

Who sent me this spam? The VP Marketing and Sales for Optininc.com
Opt In Inc indeed.

Pathetic.

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February, 2000

The Net is fast. So fast you get caught up in it's speed.
One of my favorite signature lines is attached to Ivan Pope's
e-mail messages:

  > Faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes
  > the fear of death.    Hunter S. Thompson

But one (I) mustn't let that thrill overrule the need for
clarity. Mr. Ken Pratt, managing editor of Peregrine Publishers
brought home this point after the last Full Sterne Ahead:

  > Mr. Sterne,
  >
  > I enjoy your monthly e-message but I get a little frustrated
  > with all the typos, lots of them.  Give this thing to a
  > copyeditor before you send it out and I believe you'll build
  > better trust with your people. There's still something
  > about the written word needing to be spelled correctly.
  >
  > All the best,
  >
  > Ken Pratt

Point take - and worth repeating (he said, donning his asbestos
suit).

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December, 1999

Here's a recent e-mail I sent to JCPenny:

> So, I get this e-mail from cool-savings.com about how I can
> save 25% on Blazer from JCPenny. All I have to do is click.
>
> Well, almost. See, when I click through, I have to identify
> myself as either me or my wife. I don't remember ever signing
> up with your site, but the e-mail came to me, so I sort of
> assumed you knew it was me clicking on the link in my own
> e-mail. One I click on the "Jim" button, it took me to the
> blazer.
>
> But it didn't tell me how big my discount was going to be.
> I've never purchased anything from your Web site before.
> In fact, I don't remember the last time I was in your
> store. In other words, here's a great chance to win over
> a new customer!
>
> So I had to create an account (name, address, credit card),
> and figure out my size in order to find out what the cost
> was. Then I walked through the whole checkout process (took
> about fifteen minutes) and kept hitting the "continue checkout"
> button so I could see how big my discount would be and how
> much the shipping would be to see if I wanted to make the
> purchase. (And they wonder why people abandon their e-
> shopping carts all the time-- now you know.)
>
> Then I hit the last button to get to the last page and I'm told:
> Shipping and handling are TBD and Tax is TBD. Hmmmm.
> Then I notice the "code" and the $00.00 total. In the fine print,
> the code is deciphered as, "Not Available. We will continue to
> show this item in your shopping bag for memo purposes but it
> will not be shipped."
>
> Now, please excuse me if I got this wrong, but *you* contacted
> *me* about this swell jacket I could buy, yes? And *you* made
> me fill out pages of personal information before I could order
> it, right? And *you* never got around to telling me what a great
> deal I was getting because I put in my special cool-savings.com
> Biggest Sale Promotional Code, right?
>
> So tell me - why was it that when I clicked on Customer
> Service, I had to fill out a whole **new** form telling you who I > am, and where I live all over again?

The very next day I get a message back from them that says:

> From: support@jcpenney.echomail.com
> To: jsterne@targeting.com
> Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 05:04:32 -0500
> Subject: Message from JCPenney
>
> Your e-mail message has been received and is being reviewed.
> Customer comments are extremely important to us.
> Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and
> concerns with us.

As Chris Locke would say:  Sheesh!

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November, 1999

I seem to be an attachment magnet. People like to send me
their business plans, PowerPoint presentations, cute
little animations and other digital stuff. Some of it is
important. Some of it is interesting. Some is actually
stuff I want to see. But I object to the method of delivery.

I live in a house that overlooks the city of Santa Barbara.
That means I am just out of reach of the ADSL service area
and just out of reach of the cable modem service area. We
do have indoor plumbing, but I'm a 56.6 kbs kind o' guy
perforce.

I recently spent time in a new Hilton at Logan Airport in
Boston where I must have been the only one with an Ethernet
card connected to the Hilton's multi-megabit hook-up.
Absolute Heaven.

But most of the time, I'm paying per-minute charges
for a 28.8 connection. Hotels have also gotten wise
to the ways of the road warrior and are charging extra
for calls longer than twenty or thirty minutes. Cute.

So - when I am on the receiving end of a 5 MB Alley
McBeal dancing baby, I'm not very happy about it.
There's no option but to wait. And wait. And pay.

Here's the cure: plop that file up on a Web page or an
FTP site somewhere and send your friends a little 4k
message with a clickable link. Tell them what's waiting
for them and let them decide if and *when* to fetch it.

Speaking of attachments, here's a message reproduced in it's
entirety:

   Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 23:49:54 -0400 (EDT)
   From: giga/amy@mail.xpedite.com
   X-Authentication-Warning: louie.xpedite.com: mcp set sender to
      giga/amy@mail.xpedite.com using -f
   To: jsterne@targeting.com
   Subject: Giga Presents IT Solutions for Tomorrow

   Here's a preview - it only takes 30 seconds to view
   this attachment.

       giga.exe

Besides being short to a fault, this message comes with an
Authentication Warning from Louie and an attached *executable*.
Sorry gang, I don't do executables. And I don't know anybody
named Louie...

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October, 1999

When personalization goes bad:
>
>   From: Ping Li
>   To: jsterne@targeting.com
>   Subject: Subject: Web Site Translation
>   Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 01:46:14 -0600
>  
>   Dear Sir,
>  
>   I came across your Web site at
>   www.targeting.com/book2.html
>   and see your email there. I am quite impressed by
>   the products/services Customer Service on the Internet
>   provides and decide to write to you. I thought you
>   might have interest to know that your Web site can
>   also be presented in other languages for broader
>   international and domestic markets.  If you feel that
>   the infomation has no value to you, please accept my
>   apology and feel free to let me know.

Bad personalization: "Customer Service on the Internet"
is one of my books -- not my company. Bad grammar. Bad
spelling. Just, what was it you were selling, again?

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July, 1999

From:     Glen Clark
To:       imedia@eddiebauer.com
Subject:  Merchandise Exchange?

Customer Service,

I purchased a short-sleeve shirt (item #0343044721) on
5/22/98 (order #458 122 61), but I got the wrong size
(an XL instead of a LARGE).  I haven't worn it because
it is too big, but I really like the shirt.  Is it still
possible to exchange it?

Please let me know.

Thanks,

Glen Clark

--------
The reply came *two weeks* later:
--------

To:       Glen Clark
Subject:  EB/Merchandise Exchange/ej
Organization: eddie bauer

Dear Mr. Clark,

Thank you for your email.  I apologize for our delay in
response.  Due to an unexpectedly high volume of online
orders and emails, we have been unable to maintain our
normal time frame for answering emails.

You may certainly arrange an exchange if the item is
still available in the preferred color and size.  I
would recommend calling our Customer Satisfaction
Department directly at 1-800-426-6253 to arrange the
best option for you.

I hope this is helpful.  Please let us know if we can be
of further assistance in the future.

Sincerely,

Beth
Interactive Media Department
Eddie Bauer, Inc.

Imedia@eddiebauer.com
www.eddiebauer.com
--------

While this is not an Internet faux-pas of extreme proportions,
it's still an opportunity to learn.

Somehow I expect Eddie Bauer to realize the importance of
a timely and truly helpful response. Two weeks is waaay
too long. We don't care about your understaffing problems.
We're glad we can exchange the item, but why don't you
take a quick look and tell *us* if it's available? And,
finally, how about having the Customer Satisfaction
Department call us, instead of instructing us to call them?

Just a thought.

And thanks for sharing, Glen.

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May, 1999

The lesson was as plain as the noses on their faces, but none
of them seemed to wake up and smell the coffee.

It was at the May '99 @d:tech conference. It was a display of
conspicuous bandwidth consumption during a panel moderated by former AdAge editor (and now @d:tech executive) Kate Maddox.

Five creative agencies strutted their stuff with their latest
and greatest rich media advertising talents.

Rich media means streaming this, animated that, all-singing,
all-dancing banners.

The T1 line that was meant to support the entire conference
simply could not manage the exhibit hall floor and this special
rich media session. It was so bad that there were hecklers from
the audience, charging, "Why don't you have a better connection,
when we paid all this money to be here?"

Zoom out: A dozen people streaming video into your building on
a shared T1 will act like a 14.4.

What can we learn from this? Keep your hands in the car at all
times. Keep your seat belt fastened low and tight across your
lap. Keep your downloads to a minimum!

WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN? Part 2
--------------------------
Gabe Goldberg www.cpcug.org/user/gabe was kind enough to
point out something I agreed to that I would not have, had I
been trained in the fine art of reading fine print.

Said Gabe: "When the United web server is actually working, and
you complete the tedious process of registering, you're greeted
with the attached page. I might have accepted the agreement even
though it's wretched, asserting all sorts of restrictions and
penalties, until I reached the Reservation of Rights paragraph
at bottom, especially points (1) and (2). So the cost of dealing
with United is accepting trash marketing and waiving any
expectation of privacy. No thanks...."

   The use of United Connection services under the Registered
   User's identification codes and passwords will constitute
   (1) express and unambiguous approval by you (as Registered
   User or other User) for United's lawful use and disclosure
   of your personal information for purposes of solicitations,
   promotions and marketing programs, without further approval
   or notification, (2) your express and unambiguous agreement
   that neither you nor any of your authorized Users has any
   expectation of privacy resulting from the use of United
   Connection services

On Monday, May 24, I sent the above along to United along with:

   Hey -- get a clue, will ya?
   The Internet is an opt-in medium.
   If you can't take me out of your database, I *will*
   take my 1K status over to American and see how they treat me.

   And yes, I *am* expecting an answer from you on this....

To date -- I've heard nothing. The thought of having to
change all those reservations is giving me a headache.
Sadly, there are no United employees on this list. If you
happen to know one -- please forward.

[Do you suppose these are the same people who forced Mark Ahrens to rummage through his trash to find the "mailing's offer code" when he tried to convince United to stop sending him
SilverWings offers? He's 10 years too young to qualify.]

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March, 1999

While lunching with three wildly capable ladies from a
Very Large Computer company, I listened to their lament
about the latest way the Internet was expected to save
the company money.

Instead of turning over content to the Webmaster for converting
and posting on the site, individuals were now responsible for
designing and creating their own Web pages. This sounded
reasonable to me, so I held my tongue, waiting for the other
shoe to drop.

Why does this change evoke the same fears that flooded
through the executive washroom when we were all told there
would be no more typing pool and no more secretaries, and
we'd have to learn word processing ourselves...?

   No tools were offered.
   No training was scheduled.
   No templates were distributed.

The magic wand was waved and people who used to be
responsible for getting real work done were now expected
to learn HTML or some WYSIWYG tool overnight.

Many would turn to their teen-age offspring. "Junior?
Can you help me with my homework?"

"Mother! If you don't do it yourself, you're never going
to learn how!"

By all means: Turn over the creation of Web pages to the people
who are responsible for the content. But please folks,
let's provide tools, training, and templates. And that
goes for intranets, too.

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January, 1999

I balance my checkbook whenever I get my statement. When
my checkbook wouldn't balance this time I realized I hadn't
received my statement the month before. It was 10 at night -
so I went to the Web. Of course.

There was my account. There were my transactions. I smiled
at the fact that once again, the Web came to the rescue.

My smile faded when I got to the bottom of the page showing
last month's activity, and there was no "Previous Month"
button. That was it. The information I needed was one
screen away and it was simply not there.

When I inquired, I received an e-mail reply (within 24
hours - thank you) that said, "Currently, only the past
45 days or 120 transactions, which ever comes first,
is available for viewing via the Online account history.
If you need information prior to this allotted time , you
will need to refer to your paper statements."

Yes, but...

"You can order copies of previous statements online,"
and I was invited to incur the cost of $5 to have it
mailed to me. I was asked to choose if I wanted the
November or October statement. My statements are dated
in the middle of the month - how would I know which one
I should order? Ten dollars, please. Oh - and it'll
take 3 to 5 *weeks* to get it to me.

So close. We were soooo close.

Here's a hint: disk space is cheap. Customer good will
is priceless.

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December, 1998

From a Jupiter Communications press release:

   NEW YORK, November 9, 1998--Forty-two percent of the
   top-ranked Web sites either took longer than five days to
   reply to customer e-mail inquiries, never replied, or were
   not accessible by e-mail according to a report issued today
   by Jupiter Communications. The Jupiter report illustrates
   that Web sites are ignoring the opportunity to communicate
   with existing and potential customers, discouraging brand
   loyalty, and opting out of a user-initiated, one-to-one
   relationship by not offering, delaying, or eliminating
   responses to e-mail.

It's Internet 101 all over again: The Web is not a broadcast
medium. It is a two-way street. You are out there to communicate
with your customers, not *at* them.

I feel so strongly about this, so deep in my bones, that I am
*not* - repeat - *not* going to go on and on about it. We Hold
These Truths to Be Self Evident.

Wake up and smell the customers !!

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November, 1998

As Omar Ahmad at Netscape likes to say at the
beginning of his presentations: YMMVPDOCCAWYH.
(Your mileage may vary, professional driver on a
closed course, always wear your helmet.)

Yours truly forgot my helmet *and* my seatbelt
when I unleashed Full Sterne Ahead last month
with it's inaugural issue.

To those who received three copies and wrote to
tell me about it, I have already said:

   Yes -- I am a complete idiot.
   Yes -- I have broccoli for brains.
   Yes -- I'm so sorry my teeth are wearing down from the
              gnashing.
   No -- it won't happen again.

To that, I now add -- I owe you lunch.  Anybody that's willing
to take the time to privately point out my failings deserves
a serious 'thank you'.

For instance, Ann Handley from The ClickZ Network said
she liked my inaugural Full Sterne Ahead. But, "under
Resource of Note, you said: I come across a lot of just plane
good stuff online.... Should be PLAIN."

She didn't buy my retort about making a high-altitude
airline jape. Where would you like to have lunch, Ann?

To those who quietly smiled, shook your heads and
thought, "Sterne... what a loser," but refrained from
telling me I'm a doofus... thank you for sparing me.

To those who wrote to unsubscribe, I don't blame you
but you'll never know it. When I promise to never darken
your e-mail box again -- I mean it. None of this "I'm so
sorry you felt compelled to unsubscribe -- Would you please
answer a few questions" stuff from me. You want out?
You got it. No questions asked.
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October, 1998

I got my first-ever opt-out phone call the other day
and realized just how insidious spam is.

"Hello? Is this Jim Sterne?"

"Yes."

"Mr. Sterne, I'm calling from (name withheld to protect
my lawyers) and I want to send you two airline tickets."

"Ummmm?" I said, trying to sort out the spam from my e-mail
wondering just how much of this pitch I could stomach
before courteously telling the hapless teleseller I
was not interested and hoped they got luckier on
the next call.

"In the next couple of days you'll receive a gold
envelope with two free airline tickets inside. I
just need to verify your address."

That got my attention and my marketer's heart was wondering
why anybody might give away airline tickets as a loss leader.

"Oh?"

"Yes sir. It's part of our XZY package that is yours for the
asking for a surprisingly low price. If you review the package
and decide you don't like it, just call us back and we'll give
you a complete refund. The package includes travel discounts,
restaurant coupons, rental car upgrades..."

"Excuse me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you sent me free
airline tickets in the mail without my requesting them and try
to bill me without my say-so, I don't have to pay."

"Yes sir, that's why I'm asking you now."

"So - if I just say Yes, that's my address' and hang up, you'll mail me the tickets and if I *don't* call you back then you bill me."

"That's right."

"What if they don't arrive?"

"Just call us and let us know."

"If I verify my address, does that constitute
my agreement to receive this package?"

"That's correct."

"And just how were you going to bill me? Wouldn't
you have to ask for my credit card?"

"No sir, once you agree to receive the package, we simply
charge it to your phone bill unless you call back and decline."

Suddenly the room got dark and I felt like I was locked
in a submarine that was trying to evade depth charges.

"Decline! Decline! Decline!" I shouted as I hung up the
phone and went to wash my ears out with soap.

Then I regretted not getting all the details so I
could tell www.fraud.org...

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